Russell Wilson has been viewed for most of his career as unflappably wholesome. He’s a model human being, a man whose priorities always seemed to be clearly rooted in his faith and in football.
But recently, his image has begun to look more relatable, more human, and less robotic. At the forefront of this change? He’s horny on main.
Perhaps the earliest sign of Russ displaying his primal urges came on his wedding night, when he and Ciara posted Snapchat videos heavily implying the end of their abstinence. Then in 2019, we were blessed with what might be the most famous example of his public thirstiness: the post-celebratory sex $140 million contract announcement.
Which brings us to the present. Russell has displayed his horniness on several occasions this season, typically through tweets about Ciara. Russell has also, on several occasions in 2020, played MVP-caliber football. Could these two things be related?
There’s only one way to find out.
To discover whether or not Russell’s horny levels are affecting his play, we’ll need to break down this study into two parts:
- Defining his level of play in a given game
- Defining his level of horniness in the week leading up to said game
The first part is fairly straightforward if you’ve followed along with the analytics revolution currently penetrating the NFL world. We’ll look at his production on an EPA/play basis. EPA stands for Expected Points Added. It comes from the expected points model in nflfastR, which tells you how likely a team is to score on a given play, taking into account the down, distance, field position, and several other factors. A positive EPA play means a team is in better position to score after a given play (think big gains, first downs) and a negative EPA play means the opposite (think sacks, 3rd down stops).
The second part is a bit trickier to define and will be much more subjective than the first. To evaluate how turned on Russ was in a given week, I’ve put in the work of combing through all of his tweets and grading each on a 0-5 scale of horniness. Here is an example of a tweet at each level of horny.
Horny Grade: 0
Business. No time to horny.
Horny Grade: 1
This one is not very horny, but it does register on the scale as a 1 as it includes a heart emoji about his wife. There’s some level of desire in this tweet, but it’s gentle and subtle.
Horny Grade: 2
Supporting his teammate, but can’t help but mention a bed and a robe. And I mean come on, who else isn’t at least horned up to a 2 for Marshawn Lynch in a luxurious bathrobe.
Horny Grade: 3
That victory feeling and all he wants to do is talk about Jamal Adams’ sack.
Horny Grade: 4
Of all the clips from his podcast with Mike Tyson, he just wants to see the one where Mike takes off his shirt. Whomst, but still, this is a 4.
Horny Grade: 5
Honestly thought about making this one a 6.
Each week of the 2020 season, I graded all of Russell’s tweets in this manner and added them together to get his weekly horny grade. This isn’t a per tweet grade, it’s a simple volume statistic (Editor’s Note: iykwim).
Armed with our measures of on-field production (EPA/play) and off-field reproduction (horny grade) we can now take a look at whether or not these two are related.
Russ started off hot this year in both senses of the word, coming out firing on the field while simultaneously trying to entice Ciara into making another baby just weeks after she gave birth to their son Win. Let the woman recover Russ, jeez.
Wilson appeared to calm down a bit in the following weeks, as his production regressed a bit towards the
peen mean. There were simultaneous spikes around the first San Francisco game, when all of us get a little horned up at the idea of beating down the 49ers. The feelings for the old Jim Harbaugh Niners have never faded, and the schadenfreude that comes from watching them fail will likely exist for the entirety of Russell’s career. Nostalgia is a hell of an aphrodisiac.
So far, Russ’ thirstiness seems very in line with his level of play. A true MVP in both the stat sheets and the bed sheets, if you will. But the second half of the season tells us a different story entirely. The dissimilarity is stark when we split the above chart in half.
Since Week 9, Russell Wilson’s EPA/play has shown a remarkable inverse correlation with his horny posting. That is, as the horny posts go up, the EPA/play goes down, and vice versa. A simple linear regression gives us a correlation coefficient of -0.03 and an r² of 0.358. That means Russ’ insatiable lust for his wife explains about 36% of the variance in his level of play on the field, an incredibly strong relationship for a game as complicated as football.
Russ reached his peak level of horny in the week leading up to the Philadelphia Eagles game, when he and Ciara released their new R&C fragrances. In a video simply meant to promote their new product and describe the scent, he just could not help himself from going full tilt at Ciara.
Russ managed to have a decent game against the Eagles, no doubt thanks to a Herculean effort from DK Metcalf, but one has to wonder if that new fragrance left a lingering arousal in him leading up to the fateful Week 13 Giants game. Russell, and the Seahawks, bottomed out against a hapless New York team. Perhaps something else was on his mind during this play that prevented him from seeing the whole field.
If we’re trusting the momentum of this relationship to continue, we should hope that Russ keeps it in his pants and off of his twitter account for the next few weeks. That’s going to be the best way to lead the Seahawks to another Super Bowl, where he can then celebrate to his heart’s content in whatever fashion he desires.
tl;dr: Russ stop horny posting for the playoffs 2021 challenge.