SPORTS RADIO HOST FRANK “BRICK” JOHNSON: Welcome to the show, I’m Frank “The Brick” Johnson, and we have quite the show lined up for you! Today we are, of course, talking Seahawks, and we’re going a little ‘under the radar’ to fill airtime with our new Rumors From Randos segment! No confirmed material allowed today, folks.
CO-HOST GREG WATTERBERG: None at all!
JOHNSON: Okay, our first guest is from OkCupid. (pause) Is that right? My wife wants you to know I don’t know anything about that site! Haha. Anyway, within the “About Me” section of his dating profile he broke the news that the Seahawks would cut an injured, expensive player. And then it happened! WHO ELSE SAW THAT COMING? NO ONE ON TINDER, THAT’S FOR SURE. With that win streak of one on the line, he’s here to tell us what the next shocking move will be. Please welcome to the program OkCupid user “WeAllNeedLove”.
OKCUPID USER “WEALLNEEDLOVE”: Thanks Brick! Wow, it’s pretty insane I’m on the show. This is actually live, right?
WATTERBERG: It actually is, Mr. Love. Both live and insane.
JOHNSON: Well, let’s get right to it. What have you been hearing?
WANL: As you know, I’ve got incredible sources within the Seahawks organization that I, for obvious reasons, can never reveal, or they might be doxxed and swatted.
JOHNSON: I’m old and I don’t know what those words mean, but go on.
WANL: Anyway, I heard that the Seahawks are worried about the weapons they have at receiver. They don’t believe they have proven players at the position beyond Lockett and Metcalf.
WATTERBERG: I’m with you.
WANL: They are going to, very soon I tell you, they are going to trade for a big name wide receiver. One you’ve heard of, I imagine.
JOHNSON: (voice full of expectation) Come on, out with it!
WANL: Julio Jones.
JOHNSON: That would be crazy!
WANL: Yes, it would. It’s a big move, yet the only person who knows about it is a random dude on a dating site, by which I mean me. That’s nuts. But it’s pretty much a done deal. Should be completed in the next couple of days. (quietly) Enough time for me to delete my account, I think.
WATTERBERG: What was that?
WANL: Uh, nothing.
JOHNSON: And to get Julio, what will the Seahawks have to give up?
WANL: Well, let’s see, I’ve heard… (there is a pause. In the background, there is a noise that sounds suspiciously like a dart hitting a dartboard) …that it looks like a third round pick.
WANL: It’s wild, but my source is sure of it. Also maybe they trade Bobby Wagner and the Falcons throw in another player such as, let’s see here… (there is another pause. It sounds like there is a mouse being clicked along with frantic typing, as if the Atlanta Falcons’ current roster is being pulled up) …Kenjon Barner?
JOHNSON: Oh, not an Oregon Duck! I hate them!
WANL: Not saying it has to be Barner. Just, you know, maybe. But the heart of the deal is Julio for a second round pick.
WATTERBERG: Did you mean a third?
WANL: Is that what I said? Yeah, a third. I definitely don’t want to sound like I’m completely making this up. (laughing)
JOHNSON: This makes so much sense for the Seahawks when you think about it!
WANL: (still chuckling) Yeah.
JOHNSON: And, lastly, what do you have to say to listeners who think you are, in fact, just making all this up?
WANL: True or not, I will suffer zero negative repercussions either way. Even if I am making this up, if I am just a dating site Incarcerated Bob, it literally doesn’t matter. In fact, there is a good chance I will have followers that will believe I was close and will still be willing to believe the next thing I make up, even if I admit I made this Julio trade rumor up as some sort of revenge for the outcome of a regular season NFL game from eight years ago. If not, nothing will happen!
JOHNSON: Well, thank you, “WeAllNeedLove”, for coming on today. That’s all the time we have, so be sure to post about this on the social media platform or dating site of your choice. We’ll be sure to talk about this for as long as we can until Charles Robinson ruins our fun. Any final words from our guest?
WANL: Please, whatever you do, remember that we all need love. I’ve formed an entire online personality and account around telling people this, to the detriment of my mental health. This account also has a natural secondary goal of spreading football rumors. It would be impossible for me to separate the two functions of my online presence into different accounts over multiple platforms, which is why I post football rumors on my dating profile.
JOHNSON: Whatever you just said, you got it, pal.