On this beakiest of weeks, we examine whether birds are, in fact, real. There is some compelling evidence that they exist, such as hearing them, the prevalence of bird-related idioms in language, and the fact that one just ran into my window. But in the spirit of fairness, I will examine the common anti-bird-existence arguments:
The existence of the Arizona Cardinals.
I know what you are thinking. “What does a football team have to do with the existence of birds?” This was my first thought as well, but it bears some examination. Firstly, why would a team choose a cardinal as an emblem of the team’s ferocity, vigor, and general fearsomeness?
Obviously, the government needed to produce propaganda that birds, in fact, exist. They also smartly made the team in question shitty enough to move to a bunch of different cities to help the populace accept the “existence” of these birds. And they choose an innocuous mascot for a crappy team to make people think that these so-called birds are harmless.
Seriously, the Cardinals are 200 games under .500 and have lost more games than any other franchise in the history of the NFL. The most storied player in Cardinals history (by Pro Football Reference’s AV) is a quarterback who went 87-88-5 (surprisingly, his name isn’t Jim Fisher) in 18 seasons and threw nearly 40 more interceptions than touchdowns.
The Arizona Cardinals have existed for 100 years, like some kind of freakish tree, and have only been to the playoffs 10 times. The only teams with fewer playoff appearances have existed for a mere 25 years.
Furthermore, the government (who I assume are still running the Cardinals) have tried to become more popular by following the “hot coach” trend and hiring Kliff Kingsbury to further promote the supposed reality of birds. He has continued the long and storied Cardinal tradition of being absolute ass. Sitting at 4-9-1 through 14 games is classic Cardinals shit.
Kyler Murray ranks 25th out of 34 qualified passers in ANY/A and 14th out of 31 qualified passers in QBR. Hell, even the no-good Seahawks utterly stifled the Cardinals five-wide-receivers-every-play offense while playing with three linebackers on 84% of defensive snaps. Andy Isabella, who the Cardinals took 2 spots before Seattle selected DK Metcalf, has 9 catches on the season (for reference, Metcalf has 52).
Look, what I’m saying is that the Cardinals are the perfectly designed trash pile to slowly incept the masses with the idea that birds are real and that they are our friends. In the face of such blatant propaganda, I am faced with no choice but to declare that birds — especially the Arizona Cardinals — are NOT REAL.