Thanksgiving is a wonderful holiday, a time to express your gratitude for the blessings in your life that bring you cheer and meaning. Enjoying culinary excess with those that you love and then celebrating all that you have is a joyful experience, especially when involving pumpkins and poultry.
But today’s November 29th, you idiots. Thanksgiving has come and passed, which means it’s no longer time to show appreciation for anything. In fact, the time is nigh for you, dedicated NFL fan, to voice your displeasure. Your team is clearly not as good as they could be and I for one am fucking sick of it.
It’s time to do something about it. Luckily for you, I have a solution in mind.
Today is Black Friday, also known as the embodiment of American consumerism and gluttony. While the DEALS are not to be denied, much of what stems from this day of corporate greed — trampled store clerks, fights over plasma screen TVs, the realization that you have gained at minimum 15 pounds from that blasphemous amount of mashed potatoes you threw back last night — is a pox upon us all.
So why don’t we turn this nasty day into something positive?
While the moniker “Black Friday” describes the day after Thanksgiving, it bears a striking resemblance to Black Monday — the day immediately following the conclusion of the NFL’s regular season in which teams that are going to fire their coaches fire their coaches. The similarities extend beyond phonics, and into essence. Both days represent the purest forms of impatience, be they of the commercial or teambuilding varieties, and leave the general populace feeling gross, sickly, used.
Because of this, I present to you the most practical and effective avenue to revamping this system in the hope of preserving the best aspects of both Black Friday and Black Monday: combine them.
What’s the worst part of Black Monday? The waiting. Say your coach is dogshit (he is) and he deserves to be unemployed (he does). Take Jason Garrett for example. Despite bringing aboard the hottest young offensive coordinator in football — more like Kellen Less, folks — Garrett’s Cowboys are underachieving, which explains his precarious perch on the hot seat. Per sources, Garrett is, quote, “really fucking bad at this whole coaching thing.” I can’t help but agree.
Despite vocal support from owner Jerry Jones, Garrett is in trouble. If Jerrah decides to take the leap and lay off live-action Bolbi on December 30th, why not just do it today? Dallas just received the most embarrassing punishment imaginable in losing convincingly to the Buffalo Bills on national television.
This necessitates a transformation.
Moving Black Monday up to Black Friday is a foolproof method sure to improve fanbases’ mindsets and teams’ incomes. It’s a win-win. Oh, what, you need reasons as to why? Fine. Here are five, you insufferable shits.
- It’s been established that Black Friday is immediately preceded by Thanksgiving. This would be an extension of the festivities, as fans would give thanks to ownership for mustering the courage to get rid of the schmuck single-handedly responsible for their team’s futility. There’s nothing quite like the holiday spirit.
- Patience isn’t a virtue. It’s bullshit. You’re done waiting to see Adam Gase’s meth-fueled visage in an exit interview and, frankly, so am I.
- If a franchise must fire a coach, it’s overwhelmingly likely that their season is no longer worth salvaging. (The Seahawks are the lone exception to this, as we all know that they should excommunicate Pete Carroll despite the team’s 9-2 record, which he has had nothing to do with.) Teams must accept their fates and commit to a full tank, improving draft position in the process.
- A head coach’s termination leads to conjecture as to his replacement. With a full month left in the regular season and front offices unable to reach out to the majority of candidates, this speculation will drive the team’s sub-economy. Possibilities lead to optimism, and optimism leads to PROFIT. Pair this with Black Friday discounts and fans are more than likely to indulge in their team’s rising stars’ jerseys, benefiting sanity and sales alike.
- The Rams only scored three points in the Super Bowl.
As outlined in Point 2, incremental change is insufficient. With a template in place, the time is now. A paradigm shift of this magnitude requires a leader to spearhead the movement; a geriatric guru capable of spurring on widespread alteration of habit and holding in a potent anger, centered around Point 5.
Simply put, Stan Kroenke must fire Sean McVay TODAY.
The Rams are dead in the water with no draft capital to speak of. The offense, once humming due to the tutelage of Kyle Seager with sideburns, is wheezing under the crushing weight of contracts misbestown on Jared Goff and Todd Gurley. Jalen Ramsey has been officially canceled by Marcus Peters. Everything has fallen apart.
It’s also no secret that Kroenke is in tight with Jerry Jones. If Kroenke follows through on what he so obviously must do, the likelihood that Jones will follow in suit skyrockets. “Eat shit, Jason Garrett,” says my source from above that totally exists, unprovoked.
This plan is a necessity. If Kroenke fails to take a stand, Black Friday will remain what it is and has been for decades: the fucking worst*.
* Except for the Apple Cup.
You may be asking yourself, ‘Hey, what can I do to help this along?’ Well, the answer is simple my friends: you must tweet incessantly. Tag every member of the Los Angeles Rams organization you can find. Tweet at players. Coaches. Executives. Commentators, perhaps. Make no mistake, you can make a tangible difference in this crusade for narrative brevity.
If November 30th arrives and nothing has changed, then the true Black Friday deadline will have passed, an indicator that we will need to endure at minimum another month of watching Jason Garrett and Sean McVay embody mediocrity on their respective sidelines.
And nobody wants that.