Four and a Half Men: Santa Clara Edition

Welcome to the recurring piece that provides the answers you don’t need to the questions you’d never ask. Each week, John and Mike from Tasteful Profanity will answer four and a half questions each — four of which they/we will ask each other, and then they/we will tag-team a question from Twitter dot com. Please do not take this seriously.

Only one serious question Mike, I promise: was this one of Pete Carroll’s 10 biggest regular-season wins as coach of the Seahawks!

Mike: As somebody who has literally ranked every single one of Carroll’s wins in Seattle, this is probably the 4th or 5th best regular season win (with the chance to rise based on what happens later this season), and a borderline top-10 win overall, including playoffs. The moment, insanity, and implications were all beyond ridiculous, especially when keeping in mind the context surrounding both the Seahawks and 49ers individually heading into this game. Now, as we all know, San Francisco is fucking horrible and deserves to be shamed no matter what happens throughout the rest of the season, and Seattle should absolutely not be praised for this win at all, since the 49ers are clearly so bad.

Will Josh Gordon be suspended by the NFL for smoking Richard Sherman on that critical third down late in the game?

John: I’m more concerned about Tyler Lockett’s joint at this point.

If the Seahawks defeated the Niners by three and the Bengals by one, does that mean Cincinnati is three times better than San Francisco? 

Mike: No, but it means that Andy Dalton is three times better than Jimmy Garoppolo, which shouldn’t be a surprise since Dalton has had to suffer through working with a guy who knew a guy who was acquaintances with another guy who picked Sean McVay up a pumpkin spice latte one time, and Garoppolo has been carried by a defense led by a dude who is still heavily involved in his former fraternity’s hazing process despite finishing college two decades ago and also Tevin Coleman.

Is Jacob Hollister outperforming our expectations solely to spite me for hating his jersey number?

John: My expectations were for him to be the next Gronk, therefore your question is nonsensical.

Dude. He wears 48. If you can’t get excited about that number, I don’t know what to say. Would you be happier if he had it in Roman numerals across the back of his beautiful jersey? 

On a scale from Josh Gordon to Jadeveon Clowney, how would you rate John Schneider’s acquisition of Quandre Diggs?

Mike: Justin Coleman! Getting an above average starter and marked improvement at a premium position for the draft equivalent of Kevin Pierre-Louis cannot be understated. Against the 49ers, Diggs’ presence affected everything, most notably Bradley McDougald. Seattle’s safeties flew around all night, popping San Francisco’s receivers more aggressively than Orville Redenbacher when the previews are nearly finished. If Monday night was the start of a trend rather than an outlier, the Seahawks might, actually… have a *gasp* …good secondary?

Who is Seattle’s best defender?

John: Probably still Earl Thomas, who would have caught about 12 interceptions Monday night. Jimmy G was servin em up like margaritas on Cinco de Mayo at the faux Mexican place down the street where all the dudebros hang out.

Okay. It’s Bobby Wagner. Who also probably would have caught a couple, if only some of the bounces had come his way.

Would a 24-24 tie have felt like a victory? 

Mike: Yes, because it always feels like a victory when you PUNT TO WIN.

On a serious note though, no, not really. Because watching Kyle Shanahan’s smug, snapbacked baby face maintain monotony instead of breaking into exasperation would be unbearable, as I am a messy bitch that demands content. I guess a tie is better than a loss in terms of the Wild Card race, but it essentially surrenders a shot at the division and a first-round bye, barring a Rams-esque dropoff from the 49ers. So yes, but mostly no, and also kinda. But no.

Why isn’t Germain Ifedi getting more reps as a ball-carrier, since he clearly has a knack for it?

John: Ifedi clearly thought he had a little bit of Chris Carson in him, but it turns out it was the wrong bit, the worst bit, the bit that barfs the football.

Twitter Question:

From @NathanE11:

How many picks would San Francisco need to include before you would swap Hollister for Kittle?

Mike: If Jimmy Garoppolo promised to throw four total picks (lord knows he tried on Monday) between both Week 17 and the NFC Championship Game, I would agree to the Seahawks taking George Kittle off of the 49ers’ hands, despite Hollister’s emergence as the most dynamic Jacob in Seattle.

John: This year, Hollister has three touchdown catches to Kittle’s two. In Hollister’s last 28 regular season games he’s won 22 times, Kittle 16 times. Why is this question phrased like a joke?