MHDD: The San Francisco 49ers Stink

Good morning, everyone. You have surely, over the years, heard of Sports Illustrated’s The MMQB, a regular column breaking down all of the previous week’s happenings within the NFL. Since that is now obsolete, are you prepared for the MHDD?

Welcome to the Mike Hive Deep Dive.

In this recurring piece, Tasteful Profanity’s trio of Mikes will thoroughly break down the facts surrounding the Seattle Seahawks’ upcoming opponent and explain why they’re actually bad.

Buckle up, folks. You’re in for an absolutely senseless ride.


Prologue

Mike C: Once upon a time, there lived two dynasties on the West Coast. They were known as the Warriors the Lakers the Seahawks and the 49ers, and they hated each other. So much so, that the NFL decided to move them to the same division in 2002 and then allowed them to battle it out twice every year. These battles ultimately led to what was considered the greatest rivalry in the NFL prior to the Analytics/Film debate. 

And oh boy was it a rivalry. Two great teams that shared the same coaching philosophy, each with enough reverence for the other that the mutual disrespect seemed respectful. They were led by two old-fashioned college coaches, a stout defense with playmakers, and upstart quarterbacks carried by running backs who deserve to make the Hall of Fame but never will. Over the first three years of combat, they engaged in a series of ferocious and legendary battles that cannot be retold but only witnessed.

But the defining aspect of this affair was the constant one-upmanship; it was glorious, led by none other than 49ers coaching legend Jim Harbaugh. It was Harbaugh who honked at the Seahawks bus after shutting them out at home in 2011, and it was Harbaugh who led the arms race of San Francisco’s organization by trading away Alex Smith for draft picks and luring Randy Moss out of retirement. Not to be outclassed, Pete Carroll would try to match this feat by trading draft picks for an actual headcase at wide receiver. When the 49ers made the Super Bowl in 2012, the Seahawks would finally outdo them by winning the big game twice in 2013. 

Then, one fateful day, the manchild that is Jed York threw a tantrum and exiled Harbaugh into Ann Arbor. The damage was catastrophic. Without their fearless leader, San Francisco was left in ruins and cycling through a janitor and Winnie the Pooh before finally finding a suitable candidate at head coach.

The Seahawks, of course, didn’t fare well either. Iron sharpens iron, and without a threat, the team became complacent, relying more on Russell Wilson to win rather than building a legendary defense and running game. 

Fans of both teams long for a return to the fight of the old, and as the undefeated Niners square off against the Seahawks on Monday night, one must wonder if such a battle can live up the hype. Allegiances may have changed and the players are a little bit older and slower. But the story is still the same. Two teams on the West Coast, getting screwed by the Rams. Will the rivalry ignite once again?

The Number 49

Mike B: Forty-nine is a bullshit number. There, I said it. And on multiple fronts. “Forty” should be spelled “fourty,” but it isn’t because u don’t matter, forty. And nine? Don’t even get me started on nine. Most square numbers are great, but nine isn’t. The only square number worse than nine? FORTY-NINE. Why, you ask? Because it literally translates to forty nines, aka 40 x 9, aka 360, which is the number of degrees in a circle, while this comes full circle back to the fact that forty-nine fucking sucks.

I think it’s also fair to say that the number 49 is by far and away the worst number an NFL player can wear on his jersey. It’s why Shaquem Griffin, a truly gifted athlete, has seen almost no playing time in two seasons. This is likely because Pete Carroll understands that somebody who voluntary picks such a heinous integer cannot be trusted to maintain gap integrity.

Richard Sherman

Mike C: Richard Sherman did nothing wrong and every Seahawks fan who thinks he’s an asshole are fucking boomers.

George Kittle

Mike B: Despite what you may think, Tedric Thompson was a better draft pick. More like George Kettle because that’s the tea.

Kyle Shanahan

Mike C: How the fuck do you blow a 28-3 lead when your boss is Dan Quinn?

Mike B: Kyle Shanahan looks like his daddy is Bryan Cox when in actuality, his daddy is Pete Carroll.

Jimmy Garoppolo

Mike C: More like Jimmy GaroppoLOL because his contract is hilarious.

But seriously, Jimmy Garropolo is basically the imitation crab to Tom Brady’s Alaskan king; another Patriot product that everyone believes to be the next GOAT, if only for the fact that he’s actually attractive enough to make Brady take on a Uggs sponsorship. But while Galaparro may pass the eye test, his stats ultimately explain that he is an overpaid, average quarterback. He has a high average yard per throw if only because his running backs are able to break away on his checkdowns. The 49ers are 12th in Offensive DVOA and 11th in passing, despite having a coach that was Sean McVay before Sean McVay became a thing.

No one would admit it of course, but you’re probably only rooting for Garawpalso for the opportunity to be the target of accidental flirting (Erin, you lucky bastard!). And while trying to get into his pants is a worthwhile pursuit, you can probably get just as lucky with Friday nights on greek row. Given, however, that most of Santa Clara looks like a shithole, it is no secret why Garrpollo stands out like the Galapagos.

Nick Bosa

Mike B: Nick Bosa has arguably been the best defender in the entire NFL this season, which is in actuality false and pathetic when you think about the fact that the only reason he has produced is because opposing offenses feel so bad that the 49ers have poured so many resources into their defensive line over the course of so many years and they are still horseshit. Nobody should feel good receiving pity sacks, folks. 

Bosa is originally from Florida, which all but guarantees he is a total dirtbag. He is also a total dirtbag, which literally guarantees he is a total dirtbag. He and his brother Joey are like the vanilla version of the Watt brothers. And by that I mean they are worse players and significantly more biggoted. His alma mater’s banner is a red flag and frankly that is a red flag. While we haven’t spotted Bosa wearing a red hat yet, he has consistently worn a red jersey, both at the collegiate and professional levels, a testament to his inevitable 2019 final PFF grade.

The fact that Bosa was selected number two in this year’s draft all but guarantees him washing out of the league sooner rather than later. The last several players to be taken second overall? A list for you:

  • Saquon Barkley, who provides no value whatsoever to his team, as tends to be the case with running backs
  • Mitch Trubisky, who throws the ball to the left even worse than he throws the ball to the right, which is really saying something
  • Carson Wentz, whose team has only functioned properly when led by Nick Foles
  • Marcus Mariota, who… you know what, I don’t even need to explain this one
  • Greg Robinson, who plays left tackle like Marcus Mariota plays quarterback
  • Luke Joeckel, who can “get fucked” according to every Seahawks and Jaguars fan

Bosa may stick around the NFL for a few years, but will without question be relegated to a rotational role at best in the coming months, as offensive tackles realize that it’s actually okay to beat the shit out of a pasty shithead by the name of Nicholas John every once in a while.

Sawyer in Summation

The 49ers had been blessed with years of massive success followed by years of massively hilarious failures.

Jim Harbaugh and Colin Kaepernick were probably the best thing to happen to this franchise since Jeff Garcia. However, Football Kendall Roy has implemented a sharp and (quite frankly) real turnaround to the Niners.

Moreover, with Richard Sherman now playing the foil role in this rivalry this is shaping up to be a game in which I am very excited but also dreading the possible curb-stomping the Seahawks will receive on Monday. And for that, the Niners suck.