The Correct Method of Fanning the Seahawks

Folks’ll say that there are lots of ways to be a fan of the Seattle Seahawks.  You can get your face and body painted and scream your lungs out, you can carefully sip your bespoke quadruple hop single malt IPA and scream your lungs out, you can be forced to sit next to your significant other while they watch on a tiny phone screen at your sister’s wedding and scream your lungs out.  However, folks are wrong.  There is exactly one way to be a Seahawks fan and lucky for you, you’ve come to the right place to learn.

First, you are going to need some supplies.  Forget beer, Cheetos, and whatever Evan thinks passes for nachos.  You are going to need at least 1 TI-83 graphing calculator, a self-built computer with 6 cores, liquid cooling, with RStudio up and running, and, most importantly, some mother’s basement in which to watch the game.  These supplies are absolutely critical.  Without them, you will have no idea which decisions are bad or, worst of all, exactly how bad those decisions are.  If you don’t have those three things, then what the fuck are you even doing.  Go watch something simple and “viewer-friendly” like a chess tournament or your local C-SPAN equivalent.

Second, there are some rules for how to act during the game.  1. Don’t watch a single snap.  The eye test has been unreliable ever since Plato wrote about shadow puppets in a cave.  Furthermore, you leave your carefully constructed objectivity at the whims of the broadcast angle and, worst of all, the broadcasters themselves.  Nowadays, there are great options to view the game via little dots moving around the screen, which presents the action in an unbiased fashion and allows the true geometry of football to emerge.  2. Always tweet your immediate impressions.  Your aforementioned supplies have allowed you to create the correct opinion 100% of the time.  Don’t waste precious seconds of your life by trying to “refine” or “contextualize” your thoughts.  Simply tweet them and let the brilliant minds on twitter congratulate you on how right you are.  Also block anybody who disagrees with you as you shouldn’t risk your mind palace being perturbed by, as Taylor Swift would say, “the haters”.  3. And this one is by far the most important.  Repeat after me.  “Peter Clay Carroll is wrong”.  The beauty of this statement is that it works in every context.  Pete Carroll opting to kick a 58 yard field goal on 4th and short?  Wrong.  Pete Carroll opting to hand the ball off 2x as often as he has Russ drop back? Wrong.  Pete Carroll drafting and developing Kam Chancellor, Earl Thomas, Richard Sherman, Russell Wilson, Bobby Wagner, Chris Carson, DK Metcalf, Tyler Lockett, and KJ Wright? WROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG.

Third, after another disgusting Seahawks game we have the cleansing period.  This lasts approximately 15 seconds after the final whistle.

Fourth and lastly, post-cleansing; its time to get elbows deep in the muck that is the Seattle Seahawks.  It is of the utmost importance that you, as a fan, never, ever, ever enjoy the Seahawks.  Win or lose, the Seahawks deserve nothing but contempt and rage for their stupid, idiotic 7-2 record.  How dare they.  This stage lasts up until about 15 seconds before game time, after which, you better get your supplies ready because this shit-filled spin cycle happens for another 2 months.