Four and a Half Men: Tampa Bay Edition

Welcome to the recurring piece that provides the answers you don’t need to the questions you’d never ask. Each week, John and Mike from Tasteful Profanity will answer four and a half questions each — four of which they/we will ask each other, and then they/we will tag-team a question (okay it will be two this time) from Twitter dot com. Please do not take this seriously.


What will turn out to a better draft move by John Schneider— moving up for Tyler Lockett in the third round or waiting for D.K. Metcalf to fall to the bottom or the second round? 

Mike: Both Lockett and Metcalf were truly great picks, but trading back into the seventh for John Ursua is an all time long play. While he doesn’t have a single reception this season and he is also 25 years old which is actually very old, he does run kinda like Doug Baldwin and also Tyler Lockett so this is a guaranteed success.

What percentage of Richard Sherman are Shaquill Griffin and Tre Flowers?

John: Quill is .69 Sherms, which is the sum of his number and Marcus Trufant’s and Jeremy Lane’s, the only guys who have played Tre is .78 Sherms, his original number plus Byron Maxwell’s. Flowers is bigger but Griffin is nicer. You should know this Michael. 

Right now Griffin is rookie-year Sherman without the interceptions. He’s a great tackler, he gets beat for the little stuff only, he’s fearless, and he gets his hand on the ball.

Flowers is never going to be an All-Pro, but the Seahawks can win a lot of games with a secondary of McDougald, Blair, Griffin and Flowers. I’d really like to see one of them on a corner blitz soon, too. Maybe in SF? 

If Jacob Hollister is a mushroom burger and Will Dissly is a double bacon cheeseburger, what is Luke Willson?

Mike: Why are you slandering Jacob Hollister in this fashion? Mushrooms are obviously bad. Luke Willson is like a crab cake slapped between two pieces of wonderbread, as he has arthropodic appendages (lobster claws for hands) and is also white as hell. Goddammit, I love him deeply.

Why the fuck did the NFL even implement the ability to challenge pass interference?

John: They did not! Or rather, they did, but with the intent of never, ever, neverever using it to overturn a call. Only when they were forced to grant DPI in the Seahawks’ favor (egad!) in Pittsburgh did the ability even get fully activated. And then, only until the game’s conclusion. After which, predictably, the entire system was unofficially shut down. Coaches are still allowed to contest pass interference, but the league will never again grant a call in their favor. One more time, Pete Carroll screwed it up for the whole class, and now nobody gets recess.

Is it more fun to watch the 2019 Seahawks, who have all the passing offense and none of the defense, or the 2014 Seahawks, who had all of the defense and none of the passing offense? 

Mike: They were fun in different ways. In 2014, whenever a quarterback made the mistake of partaking in The Forward Pass, I was irrationally confident that it would result in a turnover. Now, I am irrationally confident that The Forward Pass will be completed, but am even more irrationally confident that Russell Wilson will do the same thing except more and better. But we all know that the Seahawks are obviously bad and their 7-2 record is bullshit, so we’re not allowed to have fun.

How much money would somebody have to pay you to willingly let Jadeveon Clowney tackle you full speed?

John: Getting tackled by Jadeveon Clowney is an honor. All the people who matter are doing it already: running backs, etc.

The last time the Seahawks trailed 21-7 at home against a bad Buccaneers team, they won the whole thing. Which AFC team do you most want, and least want, to destroy 43-8 in Super Bowl LIV? 

Mike: I would absolutely not want to destroy the Patriots 43-8. I want to beat them on a slant on the 1-yard line to Gary fucking Jennings. I would, though, *love* to beat the Houston Texans 43-8, as maybe that would be enough to get Bill O’Brien fired and give Deshaun Watson a chance to thrive in an environment that actually has a General Manager.

Is Germain Ifedi… *shudders* …decent?

John: One serious answer? Can I do that even?

Germain Ifedi is getting to be a very serviceable right tackle at exactly the wrong time — no, scratch that, at exactly the double wrong time. He is an adept run blocker and a sometimes okay pass blocker. Only as the Seahawks continue to transition into a pass-centric offense, his skill set is going to be even less valuable to Seattle precisely as his free agency impends and his cost skyrockets. Another team should pay him handsomely, one that likes to run more than the Seahawks. Titans, Ravens or Texans maybe? Those are the teams I’d bet on employing him in 2020.


Twitter Questions:

From @cmikesspinmove

Is Tyler Lockett cheating?

Mike: Lockett just posted the first public picture of himself and his girlfriend on Instagram the other day so dear god I hope he’s not cheating.

John: LJ Collier? If you treat the first three and last three letters of his name as the uprights, what’s left are the middle three letters, which spell “lol.” Which is not only the description of most kickers, but also the image of a referee signaling the field goal is good. In conclusion, why the fuck not.

From @SpikeFriedman

Try LJ Collier at kicker?

Mike: You may not know that the LJ in LJ Collier’s name stands for Lousy Juxtaposition, which makes sense as him being bad at playing defensive line has little to do with Jason Myers being bad at successfully kicking a football through goal posts. With that having been said, why the hell not. Let’s get weird.

John: Is it cheating like the Patriots? Because I’m for that.