Four and a Half Men: Atlanta Edition

Welcome to the recurring piece that provides the answers you don’t need to the questions you’d never ask. Each week, John and Mike from Tasteful Profanity will answer four and a half questions each — four of which they/we will ask each other, and then they/we will tag-team a question from Twitter dot com. Please do not take this seriously.

In the nearby parallel universe where the third-quarter fumble call goes the other way and the Falcons rally to win, how big is the meltdown among Seahawks fans today? 

Mike: I don’t think they’d admit it, but I wonder if Seahawks fans would maybe have subconsciously preferred the team to successfully blow a 24-point lead, as they would feel vindicated in their hatred for what Pete Carroll stands for. Twitter would be less of a doomsday wreck, and a general consensus of acceptance would permeate through the land. But, since the team did not in fact lose, and the lead they built in the first half — did I mention it was 24 points — did withstand Matt Schaub’s furious (just as Seahawks fans still are apparently) second half rally, everything is awful and we’re all going to die.

(Let me add the caveat that I am not happy with the lack of aggressiveness Seattle came out with in the second half, but there are a ton of positives to glean from this game along with the inherent frustrations.)

Would you rather have Marquise Blair piledrive you in the sternum or Pete Carroll continue to be your favorite team’s head coach?

John: As my actual favorite team is “whoever the Rams are playing this week,” the question can be simplified to “do you want Marquise Blair to piledrive you in the sternum,” and that’s a hard no unless I’m George Kittle and we’re reenacting Kam-Vernon in the NFCCG and I fumble the ball into Bobby Wagner’s magnificent hands, allowing him to score the game-winning touchdown, sending the Seahawks, often my favorite team, back to the Super Bowl. That sentence was so run-on it could’ve been the first-half Falcons.

Would you rather cover Julio Jones over the middle, DK Metcalf in the red zone, Tyler Lockett on the scramble drill, or eat a plate of dogshit?

Mike: As appetizing as canine droppings sound in this scenario, I’d have to choose covering DK Metcalf in the red zone over all the other options. While he is a matchup nightmare who scored two incredibly effortless touchdowns against the Falcons, with no defender in sight, and yes I said two (2) touchdowns, Metcalf obviously cannot change direction effectively. Because of this, we have to throw away all of his incredible production, as it is clearly null and void due to his combine results.

Do you think that Pete Carroll actually has any regrets about how the second half of this game played out?

John: I don’t think he has even a single gret to begin with. 

Dan Quinn, 2020 Seahawks defensive coordinator, or Matt Bryant, 2020 Seahawks kicker? 

Mike: I would much prefer the former. As I alluded to earlier, nearly seven years later, I am still very much on Team Fuck Matt Bryant. Dan Quinn is welcome to come back to Seattle, though I know it may be difficult to part with a DC like Ken Norton Jr., whose quality results speak for themselves.

When are we allowed to tell Jadeveon Clowney that he can stop doing his Michael Bennett impression?

John: Clowney, a known dedicated reader of the bloge, was doing an homage to Bennett today with his borderline* interpretation of the neutral zone. So, first of all, how dare you; and second of all, Jade Clowney must never become a Patriot.

*but not the right side of the border

If the undefeated San Francisco 49ers reach the Super Bowl, will they score more than, less than or exactly 3 points against the New England patRIOTs?

Mike: Well let’s see. The Rams were actually bad because their defense was not that good and their offense was apparently also not that good. The 49ers look to be actually good because their defense is pretty good and their offense is apparently pretty good. With that being said, in the obviously hypothetical scenario in which they make it to the Super Bowl, they will score exactly 9 points — 3 field goals — for they are truly more Rams than the Rams could ever hope to Ram.

Who would you rather have for the next two seasons in a vacuum: Richard Sherman or Shaquill Griffin?

John: Richard Sherman, because it’s hard to play cornerback when you’re stuck in the bag of a Hoover. 

Twitter Question:

From @_SeattleSports_:

Why am I always pissed off after we win?

John: I think a win short-circuits our grieving process. With a loss, there’s plenty of time for:

  • denial (can’t believe they lost like THAT)
  • anger (fuckin fourth down cowardice)
  • bargaining (maybe it’s not so bad if the rams lose too)
  • depression (seven days until this bullshit can be fixed?) 
  • acceptance (1-0 next week bby)

Following a win, we’re denied denial and can barely begin to bargain. Three out of five is a D, which isn’t great for the transcript or the psyche. Losses give us 5/5, often in short succession, and what’s better than a perfect score? 

Mike: Because you’re probably a Cougs fan and they sure as hell didn’t.