Four and a Half Men: Baltimore Edition

Welcome to the recurring piece that provides the answers you don’t need to the questions you’d never ask. Each week, John and Mike from Tasteful Profanity will answer four and a half questions each — four of which they/we will ask each other, and then they/we will tag-team a question from Twitter dot com. Please do not take this seriously.


Which is more electric — Lamar Jackson’s scrambling or literal electricity?

John: This can only be answered with a full ranking of all things electric.

1. Earl Thomas

2. Electricity

3. Jimi Hendrix’s guitar

4. Lamar Jackson

5. Boogaloo

6. Boogaloo 2 (sequel always worse)

7. Eels

How many billions of dollars would a gofundme to turn CenturyLink Field into a dome raise in the first 24 hours?

Mike: Russell Wilson’s hydrophobic tendencies have been thoroughly documented over the years, and yesterday was another reminder of the cruel, cruel irony that he was drafted by a team that plays in garbage weather more than any other in the league. I don’t think it would be unreasonable to expect a crowdfunding effort to draw at least 60% of every Seahawks fan’s life savings in an effort to keep Wilson dry on a weekly basis. Since there haven’t been any documented issues with any arena construction proposals, I’m sure this privately funded venture would go through smoothly and quickly, at least in time for the playoffs and home field advantage.

Tyler Lockett just released a book of poetry — was his touchdown worthy of the book?

John: Was the publication a picture book of all his catches from 2018, with glossy finish, and words like “efficiency” and “elite” and “WR1”? No? Fine. Research will happen! I’ll do it! Below lie two lines from one of the pages of Lockett’s book.

/Hoping that I say the right words to grab your attention

/And spark something on the inside of you that’s been there from the beginning

/Dreams, hidden potential, who knows?

/My question to you is: what are you waiting for?

We were waiting for that touchdown, Ty. 67,000 of us on Sunday, plus millions through the screen. Thanks, by the way. Next question.

What would you guess is the Seahawks’ all-time record in games where they give up two defensive touchdowns and a third one on fourth down after the opposing coach pulls his field goal unit off the field?  

Mike: Not great.

Did Jarran Reed’s presence matter against the Ravens?

John: Helped contain Mark Ingram and also pressure Lamar Jackson out of the pocket, where he was helpless to avoid defenders at the second level. Good plan.

To address the question with 25 percent more seriousness, probably Reed’s positive plays will make more of a difference on a day when the offense doesn’t give up two touchdowns and the opposing quarterback isn’t Michael Vick, only with more awareness and savvy.

Is it really so bad that the Seahawks saving all of their sacks for Jimmy Garoppolo?

Mike: In theory, it really is so bad that the Seahawks cannot get to quarterbacks. But because of reasons, it is actually really not so bad that they will not sack any non-NFC West quarterbacks for the rest of the year, since they clearly didn’t need a pass rush to get to 5-1, and they’ve gotten their one loss out of the way. Math now dictates that Seattle will win their next five consecutive games.

If Branden Jackson received four targets at tight end, how does this game go?

John: Not well! Because that means Luke Willson and Jacob Hollister left the game, and probably Joey Hunt and George Fant too, and yet the Seahawks are still chucking the ball to the middle of the field in heavy rain, an afternoon downpour which conveniently quit on the last possession, what’s up with that, so in summary, what a nonsensical question, no serious blog would entertain it.

Is it true the Seahawks have lost the last four games you’ve attended? Are there online restraining orders the team can fill out against you?

Mike: It is true, yes. And the last two I’ve attended, Russell Wilson has thrown a pick six. Because of witchcraft and government conspiracy alike, the Seahawks absolutely despise it when I attend their games. I am planning on attending at least one more this season so if you actually care about your team, you will CashApp me your hard-earned money at @miketpbp with the message “fuck you, stay away from sodo you clown” and I will do my best to stay away from SoDo, you clowns.


Twitter Question:

From @petervandeventer:

Y we bad

John: Some would say original sin. Others would say we contain equal impulses for both good and bad deeds. Yet another crowd would pipe in with, “there is no good or bad itself, only what each person perceives as good or bad.” I would say we can only be truly bad by being selfish when the situation calls for selflessness, and inconsistent when the situation calls for consistency. If the Seahawks are anything, it is selfless, for they continuously do things for their teammates. Likewise, they are also consistent, at fucking up our Sundays.

Mike: Because.