MHDD: The Baltimore Ravens Stink

Good morning, everyone. You have surely, over the years, heard of Sports Illustrated’s The MMQB, a regular column breaking down all of the previous week’s happenings within the NFL. Since that is now obsolete, are you prepared for the MHDD?

Welcome to the Mike Hive Deep Dive.

In this recurring piece, Tasteful Profanity’s trio of Mikes will thoroughly break down the facts surrounding the Seattle Seahawks’ upcoming opponent and explain why they’re actually bad.

Buckle up, folks. You’re in for an absolutely senseless ride.


Ravens, as birds

Peter A: My name isn’t Mike, but my uncle’s is, which is apparently enough to get me on this segment (because if there is anything this blog lacks, it’s standards).

I’m here to talk a little about ornithology. Here’s the thing about ravens (the bird): They suck. Here’s the thing about Ravens (the team): They also suck. First, a raven isn’t even a unique species. There is no genetic difference between a raven and a crow. The only difference is that ravens are a little chonkier. That’s right. Ravens are just fat crows. Second, the only reason America thinks about ravens *at all* is that some dude wrote a spooky story about one like 150 years ago. And yes, it is spooky season, but no I will not be afraid of a talking bird.

In conclusion, Earl Thomas please come back.

Food

Mike C: I have nothing bad to say about Baltimore food. Pit Beef? Absolutely delicious. Lake Trout? Best version of fish and chips without the chips. Crab? Better than anything you can find in San Francisco.

The worst thing about Baltimore food is Old Bay seasoning. Actually, it’s mainly the fact that Old Bay seasoning contains celery salt, which is basically celery and salt. Celery fucking sucks. Eating it raw sucks; it’s like eating stringy cardboard that offers nothing but blandness. At its best, it is an aromatic that is palatable only when cooked. There’s a reason why nobody ever touches the celery in veggie platters, and it’s because every other vegetable — including carrots — are superior. Now imagine making a spice out of that, and then sprinkling it on everything like salt. Save that shit for New Orleans.

Featured Players

Lamar Jackson

Mike B: After torching the Miami Lolphins in Week 1 to the tune of 5 TD’s, 0 INT’s, and a perfect passer rating, Lamar Jackson has proven why there was a valid reason that he was the fourth quarterback drafted in 2018, which is pathetic since Josh Allen is basically Mitch Trubisky with a Brazzers subscription. Not in one single game has Jackson even halved his Y/A numbers from a mere six weeks ago, instead finding his production on the ground.

If there’s one thing we’ve discerned over the past two years, folks, it’s that running backs don’t matter, and Jackson is the closest thing to that under center in the league. So by the transitive property, he doesn’t matter and by the associative property, the Ravens don’t matter. Yes, we are bringing the principles of math into this and the principles of math tell me that Lamar Jackson is utter trash. And while he may be one of the most dynamic athletes the NFL has to offer, so was Christine Michael and look where he is now. Wait two years and Jackson will be warming the bench in the XFL.

Earl Thomas

Mike C: Earl Thomas did nothing wrong, and Pete Carroll and John Schneider are cowards. The Seahawks couldn’t afford him? Tell that to the $15M of salary-cap space Seattle has right now. He was injury-prone? Well, thank god they signed Ziggy Ansah, re-signed K.J. Wright to a 1-year deal, and instead drafted Earl’s replacement with a second-round pick, right? Oh, wait, Marquise Blair has barely seen the field and Tedric Thompson sucks.

In a year where Bradley McDougald is quietly outplaying his contract and Shaquill Griffin is having a breakout season, we sure could use some additional help in the secondary. It’s not like ET pulled a Sherm and burnt bridges with his quarterback, or was a locker room distraction like Michael Bennett, or held out into the regular season like Kam did and actually cost the Seahawks wins by not being there. Come to think of it, the only bad thing Earl did was playing his heart out and be himself. But I guess the Seahawks don’t reward individuality and value team harmony over talent.

Sean Clement

Mike B: Sean Clement used to write for this very bloge, but decided to sell out and start receiving money for his time and efforts instead, which if you ask me is a total act of cowardice. Dubbed a “nerd” by literally everybody, Clement now works for a team that shits on the very name of analytics by running the ball nearly as much on early downs as the Seattle Seahawks. What Clement possesses in terms of chart generation, he lacks in a team that utilizes the analytics it invested so much in.

But I digress, for Sean is a great guy, despite the fact that he is my mortal enemy. His public allegiance to Army football may seem overzealous to you, which is evidence all but proving that he, in fact, is a Navy fan who is just too damn scared to share his true fandom. Yet another act of cowardice that cannot be overstated. And while this may make you think “hey, fuck this guy, he’s a real dingus and I’m going to slander him all week long online,” don’t do that, for Sean went to Stanford, and somebody whose school’s mascot is literally kindling cannot handle that fiery demeanor.

Do not fret, for once Sunday passes, Clement will be back in the bloge’s good graces. But until then, Sean, we will not rest before you and everything you stand for has been defeated.

Mike C: I can’t wait until Seattle’s NHL team finally comes to fruition so that Sean can start having his analytic dreams crushed again by the reality of impatience.

Sawyer in Summation

Mike S: The Ravens’ claim to fame for the longest time was having the best defense to ever walk the earth; then thirteen years later they were surpassed by the Seattle Seahawks, who just for good measure had a better quarterback.

We would be remiss if we forget the true essence and nature of the Baltimore Ravens: they are, at their core being, the Cleveland Browns. Fight it, run from it. Destiny arrives all the same.