Four and a Half Men: Cleveland Edition

Welcome to the recurring piece that provides the answers you don’t need to the questions you’d never ask. Each week, John and Mike from Tasteful Profanity will answer four and a half questions each — four of which they/we will ask each other, and then they/we will tag-team a question from Twitter dot com. Please do not take this seriously.


How do you think Germain Ifedi played against Cleveland?

John: He was no George Fant. But he also wasn’t Ifedi from a week ago. Looked good in the run game, and flashed enough for another team to sign him for beaucoup bucks in the offseason. So, the usual good Ifedi, the one we get every other week.

Which is the best Canadian in Seahawks history, judged strictly on hair?

Mike: There are really two options here: Luke Willson and Jon Ryan. While Luke’s mane is luscious, voluminous, and likely a little bit greasy, the greatest punter in Seattle history sports a beautiful red head of hair. Saying that both are equally beautiful (since they are) is analogous to saying things are properly rated aka I would be a fucking coward. Since I’m not, I will say Willson just edges Ryan, since his gorgeous locks are synonymous to how he locked up Myles Garrett a time or two yesterday.

Who had a more impressive whiff — Bradley McDougald on Chubb’s big run or Tedric Thompson on Beckham’s deep reception?

John: As in, who do I trust to reproduce a whiff of that magnitude? Tedric. Who is more impressive? Mac. Who has more game-altering and maybe game-saving acrobatic interceptions? Teddy. Who should have more jerseys of himself in the home stands than he presently does? 30. What was the question again? 

If Chris Carson has 124 yards rushing, what will Russell Wilson’s yards per attempt be?

Mike: There’s clearly a correlation between rushing volume and passing efficiency, so the number must be high. How high though? It’s a base 10 linear trend, so 124 rushing yards should lead to 12.4 yards per attempt. The fact that Russell only averaged 8.9 big ones per pass is absolutely sickening. Seattle’s quarterback clearly needs to step it up.

Why is Russell Wilson?

John: Because he is not. Russell Wilson. This season he has been replaced by Rüzl “Ramslayer” Wilhylanderfather, the Norse-Zulu demigod of Fucking Your Shit Up. 31 NFL teams weep today. 

If Will Dissly can come back from a patellar injury in 10 months, how many hours will a torn Achilles cost him?

Mike: I feel so deeply for Dissly, having made it back to full strength after suffering just about the worst injury imaginable last year. While the achilles injury he sustained in Cleveland looks bad on the surface, his experience in recovering from devastating ailments has been established. If we can assume that a patellar injury requires 10 months to return from, it’s not out of the cards for Dissly to accelerate his recovery timeline and be back for Week 10.

If DK Metcalf’s pacifier played wide receiver for the Seahawks, what would its full-season statline be?

John: ESTABLISH THE PASSIFIER.

To be serious for half an answer, DK looked like a nightmare to bring down in the open field, on a couple crossers today. Even for a linebacker. Especially for a defensive back. Have they considered not tackling him at all? We would approve. 

What would happen if the Seahawks disbanded their special teams altogether?

Mike: The Seahawks have had an air of magic surrounding them from the beginning of this era; a mystique that follows them into the biggest of situations, creating the most special of moments. But would this be a special team without special teams? I posit that no, for if you removed special teams from a special team, then you are left with negative s, meaning that they would not, in fact, be special. Not even for one second.


Twitter Question:

From @teen_josh:

In the NFL there are five great quarterbacks, ten really bad quarterbacks and everyone else is just a different variation of Alex Smith — which tier is Baker Mayfield?

John: First of all! A) Alex Smith Did Nothing Wrong. B) Mayfield actually did a very convincing Roethlisberger Diva impression today, including everything from the dramatic trip to the locker room to the heroic return among his troops. C) The proper tier for Baker is the Jared Goff tier, where we place a quarterback who is completely unstoppable and is anointed THE NEXT BIG THING, until something goes wrong, like a scary defender visiting the backfield, an event that causes him to self-flush down a gas station toilet. And not one of the nice ones. 

Mike: Baker Mayfield is not nearly as bad as he has played thus far in 2019, which in a way makes him the anti-Jared Goff, who is in actuality much worse than he plays, even when that level of play is analogous to a bovine’s excrement.