MHDD: The Cleveland Browns Stink

Good morning, everyone. You have surely, over the years, heard of Sports Illustrated’s The MMQB, a regular column breaking down all of the previous week’s happenings within the NFL. Since that is now obsolete, are you prepared for the MHDD?

Welcome to the Mike Hive Deep Dive.

In this recurring piece, Tasteful Profanity’s trio of Mikes will thoroughly break down the facts surrounding the Seattle Seahawks’ upcoming opponent and explain why they’re actually bad.

Buckle up, folks. You’re in for an absolutely senseless ride.


Uniforms

Mike B: The Browns’ uniforms are representative of their team’s history: unflinchingly ugly. The color scheme, while literally true to their team name, looks like a used diaper with orange peels littered across it. This franchise is so boring and devoid of creativity that they ended up using their logoless helmet as the logo. Digits are blocky but also awkwardly slanted with a shadow that should be any color except for the one that it is.

Stripes have been slapped upon the shoulders and look as though they are sliding downward, frightened, pushing desperately against the jersey’s material as they attempt to flee from such a god awful display of craftsmanship.

The worst part? The prominent fashion in which the word ‘Cleveland’ is displayed on the front of the jersey. We get it. You’re from the midwest. Get your 2-3 record and horrible font out of my face.

Food

Mike C: Since I have not had the pleasure of visiting Cleveland yet, I will withhold my personal remarks. (I have, however, grown up in a city with beautiful museums, a fantastic orchestra, and terrible sports teams, so I don’t think I am missing much.) With that said, I must say that whatever Cleveland natives define as their “cuisine” is absolutely atrocious. Take, for instance, some of the dishes that Google defines as iconic to the city:

  • A hot dog, except you replace the hot dog with Kielbasa, then top it with fries, coleslaw and barbeque sauce (?)
  • An inferior form of dumplings that is the love child of a Gyoza and Ravioli, stuffed with potatoes instead of cheese or meat (??)
  • Mustard (???)

And so forth. The main problem is that none of these foods are even in so-bad-they’re-good territory, like the disasters that one might make up when stoned or drunk. It’s just a complete mismatch of taste, texture, and peculiarity that is reserved for the truly incompetent. Then again, maybe that’s a theme for Cleveland itself.

For a city that borders Cincinnati (which claims that putting chili, cheese, and oyster crackers on top of spaghetti is edible), Pittsburgh (fuck you, french fries do not go on salads) and Detroit (double fuck you, pizza is not meant to be chewy), it takes effort to be this bad. Maybe this is what Ichiro meant when he said he’d punch himself in the face if he ever got excited about this city.

Featured Players

Jarvis Landry

Mike B: Jarvis Landry is still, in essence, a Miami Dolphin. And by that I mean he’s fucking horrible. In 5+ seasons in the NFL, he has totaled 503 receptions, which have amounted to a whopping 503 yards. There have been 31 individual seasons since 2014 in which a player had at least 100 receptions. Out of those 31, Landry’s 2015 and 2017 seasons rank 27th and 31st respectively in yards per target. For the layman, this means that Cleveland’s leading receiver has been little more than a glorified Jeremy Kerley. Some might say that Landry’s monstrous volume is an indicator of quality route-running. To that I declare blasphemy! For we all know that if you prioritize volume over efficiency, you are a bona fide piece of shit.

Thus far in 2019, Landry has been more explosive than in any other season in his career, with 403 receiving yards at a clip of 10.8 yards per target. This increase in effectiveness is obviously due to Cleveland’s acquisition of Landry’s former LSU running mate, Odell Beckham Jr., whose presence has been the sole reason for things opening up for his mediocre co-star. How can an offense rely on somebody named Jarvis? Unsuccessfully.

Freddie Kitchens

Mike C: Freddie Kitchens is your quintessential white, obese, sunburnt American football coach, in the sense that he is exceptionally overrated and has little to his pedigree except for overcoming low expectations. He is in the record books as a quarterback at Alabama during a period in which they were terribly average and where the Huskies would actually stand a chance of beating them in the CFB playoff. His coaching experience consists of being a positional coach back when the Cardinals were good (not 2008) and elevating the Browns offense from 32nd to 20th in total points. As of this week, Cleveland’s offensive unit somehow has Jarvis Landy and Odell Beckham as wide receivers and is averaging less than 20 points a game. I mean, Les Miles had a better offense back when they were at LSU, and that was with Zach fucking Mettenberger.

Kitchens claims to establish the run and has the panache to actually call a running back draw on 4th and 9 (Mike Holmgren, eat your heart out), yet we all know that there should be no point in running the ball when Nick Chubb is an inferior running back when compared to Rashaad Penny. This is undoubtedly one of the worst coaching hires that the Browns have ever made, if only for the fact they could’ve gotten the real Bruce Arians instead of a pretender.

Baker Mayfield

Mike C: Mayfield has had a rough start to the season, but I don’t think he deserves blame for his decision-making. After all, the last time someone made a good decision for the Cleveland Browns was Art Modell in 1995, so maybe it’s just a systematic affliction that we are talking about. His takes on social media are actually on par with that of a 24-year old man if they were given attention for the first time (case in point: members of Seahawks Twitter).

In terms of mechanics, Mayfield ultimately looks good on the field. He doesn’t deserve blame for his play; as we saw with the Seahawks, you can’t really run a good offense when you have divas as your receiving targets — thanks Doug and Jimmy. As Colin Cowherd said, I would recommend trading away all supporting pieces for Baker and just letting him take over the field as if he was truly great. After all, it worked for Russell Wilson, and Baker Mayfield is basically a younger version of him with a good chance to be even better.

Mike B: As somebody that respects pettiness more than just about any other trait, I am pulling for Baker Mayfield to succeed. Unfortunately, the former first overall pick’s best quality has morphed into corniness, and then pure memability after that. Both name and build lead me to believe that if you tickle Mayfield lightly on his tummy, he’ll playfully giggle just like the Pillsbury Dough Boy (and yes, you should start incessantly calling him that). Luckily for Baker, the Browns have never failed to develop a highly-drafted quarterback who loves to party and talk shit so I’m sure he has nothing to worry about.

Sawyer in Summation

Mike S: The Cleveland Browns sport the plainest fucking helmets in the NFL and have a recent franchise history befitting of such bland, milquetoast, plain-ass headwear. The helmets, logo and uniforms and therefore the entire aesthetic of this franchise are the football equivalent, nay, the manifestation of a yawn so powerful and so gripping you fart a little bit in spite of yourself.

Since being re-established in 1999, the greatest player that this franchise has churned out is an offensive lineman, because of fucking course it is. These are the Browns, people.

And yet! The Seahawks on Sunday will attempt to feel out a bad team, mumbling and bumbling their way into a 13-7 fourth-quarter lead before turning on the afterburners and winning 16-10.

Because these are the Seahawks, people.

FIN.