Originally this post was going to be about the best way to bring Christine Michael home, home to the CLink and the V-MAC, which was to create a new staff position for him. Here’s the first draft, in italics, which is, if you think about it, an homage to C-Mike’s slanted running style.
“As we continue to celebrate Christinemichaelmas in September, it becomes apparent that C-Mike would be perfect for the franchise, yet again, only in a new and exciting manner. This time, it’s clearly, incontrovertibly, as an essential ball security coach slash wardrobe consultant. Here we have a match made in Seahawks heaven (which is just the regular heaven, don’t get excited). Who else has C-Mike’s very, very specific set of skills? Not this poser:
Distinct from his trademark explosiveness and touchdownmaking prowess* (*applies to 2016 only), Mike C finds himself at the natural intersection of Protect the Ball and Walk the Hall. Pete Carroll and John Schneider should must will hire a man who did nothing wrong, to do everything right. At least in terms of fumbles and fashion.
What better example for the young child draftees of the Seahawks — and seriously, the rookies are so very young, they’re basically high school freshmen now, praying for peach fuzz and a little more definition in the bicep — than a man who conquered his own fumble demons, a man who wears his patriotism on his sleeve, his other sleeve, his waist, those impossible pistons he calls “legs,” in short, everywhere but across his chest?
Adapting to the NFL means taking care of what’s important. What’s really important. The ball, yes, but google images too. Those are the big two. When people look for you, you want to look unforgettably good. Christine Michael, newly of the #MikeHive, will no doubt ensure the Seahawks of tomorrow are as reliable and flashy as the Seahawks of yesterseason.”
OK, but I’m not writing that post anymore, shall we pretend… it got cut and landed with the Cowboys, where it fizzled out, because everything Jerry Jones touched since 1996 has turned to poop. (I’m convinced JJ gave Brian Schottenheimer a giant bear hug right before January’s wild-card loss, with full knowledge of the repercussions. At least he knows he’s got the Reverse Midas.)
No, today’s chef d’oeuvre has instead become a collection of facts. We will not be breaking down the tape, waxing poetic about the matteritude of running backs, going meta with a behind-the-scenes editorial discussion, crafting a fake real contract or time-traveling to tell the whole C-Mike story. We will not accidentally, nor on purpose, murder analytics.
Everything that follows is checkable, inarguable, and has the added benefit of being true.
FACT 1: C-Mike’s presence improves playoff performance
The Seahawks are 16-16 all-time in the playoffs. C-Mike has appeared in five games. The Seahawks are 3-2 when he plays.
Before Michael, Seattle was 13-13 in the playoffs for a .500 winning percentage.
With him? They’re a .600 team.
Since he left? They are winless, 0-1 with a triple goose-egg winning percentage. ZERO POSTSEASON VICTORIES.
If helping the Seahawks win more playoff games than they lose is wrong, then yes, C-Mike did something wrong.
FACT 2: Scoring goes up with C-Mike on the roster
There are three tiers of Pete Carroll offensive performance.
Tier 3: All games with Seattle. 23.4 ppg.
Tier 2: Playoff contests here. 26.1 ppg.
Tier 1: When C-Mike plays for him: 30.5 ppg
Case closed, like Michael’s sure hands on the football when a tackle is imminent.
FACT 3: C-Mike prevents blowouts
The Seahawks have lost only six times when Michael plays. By a total, a grand, a stupendous total of 29 points. And never by more than six in any single game.
You cannot get blown out when you give the ball to C-Mike. It just takes once, and you’ve removed the sting of a rout. Not only is it then impossible to lose by multiple possessions, it’s inconceivable. You’re better off dividing by zero or finding the last digit of pi.
FACT 4: C-Mike decreases the odds of scorigami
To Pete Carroll’s great, secret displeasure. Since 2013, when Michael was drafted, the Seahawks have made scorigami nine times. Michael was on the field for only one. He’s not helping. If there’s one thing Carroll loves more than running the ball on second and long, it’s collecting scorigamis, games in which the same final score has never before been accomplished in league history.
An example is 43-8. Never been done before, or since. And Michael was not active. The only scorigami in which he appeared was the 37-18 win over the Niners in 2016. He scored twice. He was probably trying to get away from a scorigami situation, by adding touchdowns. Because the unwritten rules of football demand adherence to regular scores. 27-17. 28-10. 35-3. There’s a symmetrical, numerological, balanced, predictable beauty in sums of 7 and 3.
No wonder Carroll banished him as soon as possible, for interfering with his vanity project. No wonder indeed.
FACT 5: “CM” is a kick-ass pair of initials
Consider some other people, and concepts, that carry the same initials, and how essential they are to our daily lives.
- The Caramel Macchiato. It made Starbucks. C-Mike made the Seahawks. Roster. Multiple times. He’s the caramel sauce to the rest of the vanilla 53.
- Claude Monet. Painter extraordinaire, revolutionary, visionary, master of water and therefore of the Sea!
- The centimeter. Science could not be done without the cm, a perfect foundation of the metric system. Try and measure a meter, with no centimeters. You can’t. Try and measure Christine’s heart. You can’t. It has too many centimeters.
- Captain ‘Merica. If you think Captain America is something, consider his cousin, a badass truck driver by day and vigilante by night, who drops the A and has “FUCK YEAH” emblazoned on his shield, which he mainly uses to open bottles of beer, probably Coors but not Light.
- Charles Manson. An all-time serial killer. If there were a Hall of Fame for serial killers, this paragraph must end immediately.
- Conor McGregor. Like C-Mike, Conor McGregor can do nothing wrong, according to Conor McGregor and persons employed by Conor McGregor.
- Chico Marx. Underrated in his time, overshadowed by more demonstrative performers at the same position. SOUND LIKE ANYONE!?
FACT 6: C-Mike fumbles far less than everyone’s darlings.
Presented with almost no comment and only a few encyclopedias of subtext, these numbers speak for themfuckingselves.
Shaun Alexander, as a Seahawk: 1 fumble every 77 touches
Marshawn Lynch, as a Seahawk: 1 fumble every 85 touches
Christine Goddamn Michael, as a Seahawk: 1 fumble every 94 touches.
FACT 7: The C-Mike curse is real, or at least it was.
Look at what happened to every Seahawk who dared to score on the ground after Michael left town!
- C.J. Prosise, one week after C-Mike’s departure, on Nov. 20, 2016, took it to the house from 72 yards out against the Eagles. He has not scored, or really played football, since.
- Tyler Lockett, in the same game, jet swept 75 yards to the end zone. He broke his leg the next month.
- Thomas Rawls notched three rushing TDS later in 2016. He cratered in 2017, with a 58-157-0 line, and literally never saw the end zone again.
Only Chris Carson was able to break the C-Mike spell, a season and a half later.
That’s what happens when you get rid of someone who did nothing wrong, because he didn’t even know how.