The Official @cmikesspinmove Scouting Report

Twitter is, as it is said, a land of contrasts. It is a hivemind of LOSERS, WIMPS, and SYCOPHANTS. It is a space for easily triggered TEENS, and filthy proto-communists who demand things like HEALTHCARE, and NOT BEING SHOT AT SCHOOL. It is also, for those like myself willing to TRUST THEIR EYES and GRIND TAPE, where a new generation of greats are getting their start.

As John Muir said, “everybody needs tape as well as graphs.” I have ground the tape so that you may have your graphs, nerds. Behold, the results of my digestations: The Official Tasteful Profanity @cmikesspinmove scouting report.


There’s no disputing that the most important attribute of a great tweeter is the get off. “FIRST!” culture is real, and the favs and RT’s don’t come to the second or third account to make a good joke. Unfortunately, after exhaustively combing @cmikesspinmove’s account, the get off is best termed as non-explosive. HOWEVER, he does offset that weakness with tremendous motor. Once he starts a play he runs full out until the whistle; at times even well past it.

That’s great hustle.

Sometimes you want a guy who plays well in the flow of the offense. You want a guy that gets the egg in the hands at the appointed time, in the appointed place. 4.97/5 stars, player was a perfectly good egg uber, gave me a bottled water afterwards, and etc.

But Twitter can move fast, and sometimes you need a guy who can play a little backyard tweetin and improvise. While @cmikesspinmove can often struggle with complex concepts (Editor’s Note: Owned) and working through progressions, he has an innate and uncoachable ability to make something out of nothing when a play breaks down, and while he’s undoubtedly raw with that package of skills you have to think….

/DOOR KICKS OPEN

/Michael “Headphones” Bar, Podefather, ruthless cultivator, editor, and manager slides into the room. Taylor Swift’s “Me!” somehow mysteriously swells…

Michael “Headphones” Bar: Hey nerd.

Nathan, author, tremblingly compliant subservient of the mighty editor: Oh hello Mr. Bar I am very sorry I was just working on the piece you were so gracious to assign to me.

MHB: /does not look up from phone, where he is doubtless composing an incredible tweet that will do truly historic engagement

Yeah so like, where the fuck is my draft?

Nathan: Oh, um, yes, I was just working on it sir, thank you. I know I do not have some of the scouting acumen found among those such as yourself and the Chan person. I cannot overstate how much it means that you entrusted me with this task. Truly an honor sir, truly.

MHB: /does not look up from phone

It’s not in my email you were supposed to get this to me yesterday. If it’s not there by the time I take my next breath I will hang your corpse from the…

Nathan: It’s there sir it’s there I just sent it thank you sir!

MHB: /phone chirps “You’ve got mail”

Cute right? A real throwback. My girlfriend says it’s tacky and lame but what does she know?!

MHB: /scanning email

…………………………..

………………………….

You…………scouted………….Griff’s…………….Twitter………….for C-Mike Week.

Nathan: Yessir! Just as you asked! I spent some time scouring his TL. It was quite prodigious really. For a young man he appears to be tweeting at an abnormally high volume…

MHB: I asked you to scout CHRISTINE MICHAEL! THE RUNNING BACK! What the HELL is wrong with you!?!?!? Are you the dumbest asshole alive!?

Nathan: …………………………….i…………………………..i thought………………..i thought we were doing a joke sir……………….i…………………..i will re-do it immediately i am so so sorry.

MHB: /takes deep breath, during which he not only conceives and designs but releases a new crypto-currency, one that finally gets it right, and instantly becomes a multi-billionaire

I will give you thirty minutes to get me something that works or I will make you into seven of the most embarrassing memes on the internet by this time tomorrow. 

Nathan: Of course Mr. Bar. Right away Mr. Bar.

/scurries