John Schneider Clowneys the NFL again

If it’s cutdown day, that means John Schneider is probably John Schneidering.

This time he dealt spare parts and a duplicate (triplicate?) draft pick for a top 5 defensive end. Which just so happened to be the Seahawks’ most glaring offseason need. With Jadeveon Fucking Clowney opposite a suddenly-ready-to-go Ziggy Ansah, the pass rush is healed. The two legs chopped off, the fatal injuries we lost sleep over all summer? They were, actually, truly, just flesh wounds.

There are complicating issues, namely that Clowney has one year left before a giant payday. He’s a rental, unless you fall in love with his skillset and extend him instead of say, Germain Ifedi or Shaquill Griffin. Which you’re allowed to do BECAUSE CLOWNEY IS A SEATTLE SEAHAWK YIPPIE KAYAK MOTHER BUCKETS!

Trades can go sour quickly, but from a process viewpoint, Schneider didn’t just fleece the Texans, he hoodied, flanneled and NorthFaced them and the GM they don’t have.

Also from the process angle, Seattle’s Genital General Manager had an offseason to remember, especially for the people voting on front office awards after the season.

COLUMN A: STARTING ASSETS

Frank Clark, Barkevious Mingo, Jacob Martin, 3rd round pick

COLUMN B: OBTAINED FROM ASSETS

Jadeveon Clowney, 1st round pick, 2nd round pick

A much more fun way of looking at it is this:

A) Consider Clowney and Clark to be relatively equal in value. (Probably Clowney’s superior but Clark might not have reached his ceiling yet.)

B) Consider Jacob Martin and a third round pick to be relatively equal to the low 2020 second-rounder you got from Kansas City. (Probably the second is superior but it’s at least close.)

C) Dude, you turned Barkevious Mingo, who this morning was a potential salary cap casualty, into a first-round pick.

John Schneider is ours, and you can’t have him.

The Seahawks still have issues one All-Pro won’t fix. They still rode a historically great and unrepeatable season from Tyler Lockett, unreal fumble luck (1st in least fumbles lost and 1st in most opponent fumbles recovered) and red zone excellence to their 10-6 record last year. They won’t be as fortunate this year. Probability dictates it.

But you make your own damn luck, especially if you’re John Schneider and your summer job is Clowneying the league.