Heading into the 2019 offseason, the Seattle Seahawks surely had reason to be concerned about their pass rush, or lack thereof. After sending Frank Clark to Kansas City for draft ammunition and the ability to not pay him one metric fuckton of legal U.S. tender, they must have been relatively scared to reside in a division with three of the hottest young offensive minds in football. With the news of Jarran Reed’s six-game suspension, Seattle’s coaching staff should be downright terrified to rely on a group anchored by the newly-signed but oft-injured Ziggy Ansah alongside unproven youngsters Rasheem Green and Jacob Martin.
No matter its valuation relative to coverage, pass rush is vital to a defense’s effectiveness, and the Seahawks don’t have very much of it currently. Pete Carroll has exuded confidence in the sophomores’ development and a committee of veteran linemen, but the team needs to make a sizable splash to set itself up for success.
While most remaining free agents are unlikely to make a considerable impact into September and on, there is one name that stands out from the rest where Seattle is concerned.
Drafted 17th overall by the Pittsburgh Steelers six years ago, Jones has never fulfilled his potential, with only six career sacks to his name. After his fifth-year option was declined, Jones signed with the Arizona Cardinals but was released with an injury settlement before ever appearing in a regular season game. He hasn’t played in a NFL contest that counts since January 22nd, 2017.
While a tad rusty and out of playing shape, Jones offers something that nobody else on the market can: he fulfills the prophecy foretold by the Mayans over a thousand years ago.
Before you label me a conspiracy theorist, hear me out. (You can still do so later.) We all remember the apocalypse that was supposedly going to occur on December 21st, 2012. While the world is clearly still intact (or is it?), I am of the belief that we as a society misunderstood what these Mayan visionaries were attempting to tell us. They were communicating that, to remain competitive, the Seattle Seahawks must complete the cycle of signing every available EDGE from the first round of the 2013 NFL Draft.
What does 2012’s hypothetical doomsday have to do with any of this, you ask? It’s simple, folks. The belief in this impending cataclysm was based on a 5,126-year cycle within the Mayan calendar. While December 21st is specified in this doctrine, it is reasonable to assume the presence of some amount of error in the Mayans’ estimation for the date of fruition. Ten full days lie between 12/21/2012 and 1/1/2013. In a cycle lasting nearly two million days, an error of merely 0.0006% is incredibly impressive. How do we know these oracles didn’t have some range of tolerance to their visions? We don’t, and there is no way to definitively say that this cycle’s precipice — or EDGE — didn’t occur upon 2013’s inception.
The Mayans were no fools. They were well aware that 2013’s EDGE class would be so fucking bad that every one of these saps would be available for Seattle to sign at one point or another. Pete Carroll, a noted 9/11 truther, finally put the puzzle together in 2017 and took action. Unfortunately, Seattle’s head coach overlooked a crucial caveat of the prophecy.
Millennia ago, Mesoamericans built their places of worship in the form of pyramids. The outer faces of pyramids — for those of you who aren’t nerds — are triangles. Triangles, by definition, have three sides. Carroll knew that this symbolism was part of the puzzle so, in 2017, the Seahawks signed defensive end Dion Jordan. Alas, Carroll didn’t realize that to fulfill his destiny, he needed three individual EDGE defenders from the 2013 draft, not just the third overall pick.
Seattle nearly satisfied this condition by accident, as they traded for Sheldon Richardson — who had played outside linebacker in New York — before the season began. While Richardson walked in free agency after 2017, Jordan remained and the Seahawks signed Barkevious Mingo. It seemed that Carroll was aware that the more of these EDGE’s he signed, the better, but he hadn’t quite grasped the prophecy’s nuance. Yet another reason Seattle should have re-signed Sheldon Richardson.
Pete sensed he was nearing Valhalla and traded the burgeoning superstar Clark to Kansas City, allowing the Seahawks to sign the aforementioned Ansah. Despite retaining Mingo, Seattle failed to do so with Jordan, who has been suspended by the NFL. Yet again, the Seahawks only have two of the EDGE’s necessary to contend once more.
This is where Jarvis Jones comes into the picture; he completes the trifecta. Datone Jones could be an option if he weren’t under contract in Jacksonville, but numerous signs point to Jarvis being the Chosen One. To list a few:
- Jones played his freshman year of college at USC in 2009. His coach? Pete Carroll.
- After transferring from USC, Jones attended the University of Georgia. Georgia was one of the United States’ original 13 colonies. Another tie to the ’13 draft.
- Jones has 2 career NFL interceptions. Jarvis was the name of Tony Stark’s artificial intelligence in the Iron Man franchise. Iron is the 26th element on the periodic table. What is 26 divided by 2? 13.
- When Jones was initially drafted by the Steelers, he competed to be a starting linebacker with Terrence Garvin and Jason Worilds. Garvin is a former Seahawk. The apocalypse is defined as the end of the Worild.
- In the midst of the 2016 season, Jones lost his starting outside linebacker job to the ageless James Harrison. How many letters are in “James Harrison”? 13.
- Jones’ initials are J.J. NBA guard J.J. Reddick has made a career out of consistently making baskets worth 3 points. Triangles have 3 sides. Pyramids are mainly made out of triangles.
- Pete Carroll and the Seahawks organization have been accused of wasting much of quarterback Russell Wilson’s prime. 13 is a prime number. WILSON WEARS 3.
- Jones most recently played for Arizona. The Cardinals lost 13 games last year.
- If/when he signs in Seattle, Jones will be replacing the production of the recently-departed Frank Clark. How many sacks did Clark have last season? 13.
All of this may seem to be converging by coincidence. I assure you that it isn’t. If the Seahawks hope to avoid an apocalypse of their own in 2019, Pete Carroll must atone for his mistakes by completing the primordial trinity of Ansah, Mingo, and Jones. It has been