The NFL offseason semi-officially ends today with the Hall of Fame game between, uhhh… Team A and Team B. (Remember that one time they had to cancel it because they used the wrong paint to paint the NFL logo at midfield and ruined the grass/turf/whatever it was?) The offseason is long and full of terrors. Does anyone know when the real GoT season 8 is going to debut?
But I know what y’all have really been waiting for.
The Mariners’ summer collapse. A Seahawks Twitter hell thread. Ranking the beakiness of the Seattle Seahawks’ 2019 opponents.
- Cincinnati Bengals (Week 1)
The Bengals were rejected by literally every prospective head coaching candidate until they had to settle for Sean McVay’s high school sweetheart’s second cousin’s former landscaper’s uncle. Not only that, but the Bengals are perhaps the most swaggerless team in the entire NFL. They literally wear a cat costume as a uniform.
- Arizona Cardinals (Weeks 4 & 16)
I have written at length on how small the Cardinals’ beaks are. Folks, they are fuckin tiny. But unlike the Cincinnati Be-akless-ngals, they have a small-ass beak (and probably a small ass-beak). They may or may not be the first team in NFL history to follow up drafting a quarterback in the top 10 with drafting a quarterback first overall.
- San Francisco 49ers (Weeks 10 & 17)
The delta between how well Niners fans thought their team has been run since 2012 and reality is the largest theoretical construct known to man. They fired a head coach who had never experienced a losing season, then followed him up with Jim Tomsula (5-11), then followed him up with Chip Kelly (2-14), then followed him up with Kyle Shanahan (10-22). They have invested a nontrivial portion of the cap in fullbacks and running backs. But at least their QB is handsome.
- Tampa Bay Buccaneers (Week 9)
The Bucs traded up in the 2nd round to draft a kicker. That is a peak weak beak move. They also drafted a quarterback loved by some metrics (first downs, I guess) but the team has a single winning season in his first four years. They just hired Bruce Arians, previous head coach of the tiny ass-beaked Cardinals. The only reason they rank above the Niners is that there is one good Bucs fan on twitter and also I never remember that they are in the NFC so I don’t think about them.
- Pittsburgh Steelers (Week 2)
These motherfuckers opened the 2018 season with a tie against the Browns. They then refused to compromise with their star running back and defended their 37 year old quarterback who literally no teammates like instead of their popular superstar wide receiver and ended up trading him for a 3rd and a 5th. The Steelers aren’t terrible, but they have squandered one of the most exciting offenses in the league in order to appease a signal caller who probably is going to be cashing retirement checks sooner rather than later.
- Cleveland Browns (Week 6)
At least Browns fans knew their team was shitty. And they finally finally have a modicum of swagger with Baker Mayfield and OBJ. On the other hand they haven’t had a winning season in a decade and went 1-31 over two seasons in order to get Mayfield. While I respect the drive to always keep a chip on your shoulder, Baker Mayfield is approaching Trevor Bauer levels of making random shit up to retain that chip. I’m a big fan of heartbreak for teams that aren’t the Seahawks so hopefully the Browns have a totally healthy but utterly disastrous season. Fuck Cleveland.
- Minnesota Vikings (Week 13)
The Vikings have been good enough over the last several seasons to warrant a decently-sized beak, plus they are coached by one of the #MikeHive. However, what holds them back is that Zimmer is heir to the Honorary Jim Harbaugh Batshit Crazy but Effective Head Coach award. The best example of this is when the Vikings started 5-0 and then Zimmer left decapitated stuffed animals strewn about the clubhouse as a reminder to keep fighting or some other such nonsense. The Vikings went 3-8 the rest of the way and finished 3rd in the NFC North.
- Carolina Panthers (Week 15)
Few things are permanent in this world. Death. Taxes. And the Seahawks playing the Panthers. Cam Newton is a good, borderline great quarterback. He also has some of the worst short accuracy in the NFL. It is bizarre that this dude can bowl over linebackers (Bobby Wagner excepted) and hurl the pigskin endzone to endzone, but would miss the broad side of the barn as long as that barn is within 10 yards of the line of scrimmage. It sucks that such a dynamic player is stuck in such a swaggerless team, so much so that Cam Newton was benched for the opening snap of a game because he was… late for the bus? That lasted all of one snap before Derek Anderson tossed an INT to Mike Morgan.
- Philadelphia Eagles (Week 12)
It was close between the Falcons and Eagles for taking the number 4 slot. Philadelphia beat Tom Brady with Nick Foles at QB. Theh also paid Carson Palmer Wentz a boatload of money despite him playing only 75% of regular season games over the past two years. Eagles fans take pride in being the most ridiculed, over-the-top caricatures of fans, so that also docks them some beak points. The 2017 Seahawks (who “sucked”) also kicked the future Super Bowl Champion Eagles’ teeth in on Sunday Night Football.
- Atlanta Falcons (Week 8)
Falcons get points for being legit birds of prey, but also lose points for blowing a 28-3 lead in the fucking Super Bowl. Seahawks fans were worried when Dan Quinn left that the defense would regress and, while that has certainly happened, the LOB (RIP) was never going to maintain peak performance; that’s just not how peak performance works. Quinn hasn’t managed to transfer his supposed defensive acumen and the Falcons have only managed a single top 10 defense in the four years he’s been there.
32, tie. Los Angeles Rams (Weeks 5 & 14) and New Orleans Saints (Week 3)
This list was going in order. Until now. On one hand, I have to give props to the Rams and Saints for being great teams over the past couple of years. On the other hand, the Rams scored three points in the Super Bowl and the Saints not only got hilariously screwed out of a Super Bowl berth by a terrible blown call, but their fans have managed to fill their diapers and file a lawsuit against the NFL, which I didn’t know diaper-wearing babies could do.
-1 trillion/5 beaks each and I’m being generous with that
- Baltimore Ravens (Week 7)
The Ravens made the biggest splash of the offseason when they signed away a future Hall-of-Famer and beloved fan favorite (despite a tumultuous relationship with the team) at one of the most important positions from Seattle. But if you love someone, set them free. Sean from Seabeck immediately makes the Ravens analytics departments one of the most feared in the league, but, most importantly, he maxes out the Ravens beak quotient (#analytics).
0. Seattle Seahawks
Oh the list isn’t done yet. Despite having a 5/5 beak opponent on the menu, the beakiest opponent the Seahawks face this year will be themselves. In training camp. In practice. In the competition for appearing in Cable Thanos hype videos. I don’t know how good the Seahawks will be this year, but, for better or worse, they will be the biggest-beaked badasses in the whole NFL.
10 trillion/5 beaks