Editor’s Note: Welcome to Nick’s guest post breaking down the best professional league in the world. Yes, the best. Do not @ the editorial staff. Not that you even can, this far away from twitter.
Did Woj bomb your favorite team into smithereens, leaving you in need for a new team to blindly defend online? Well, do I have the best poorly sourced guide for you. This list will include some of the past season’s playoff participants and teams who I feel have done enough in the offseason to warrant a look.
This guide will help you in making your crucial, crucial bandwagon decision easier. With that said, let’s get started.
(All information is thanks to Pro Basketball Reference and Spotrac, check them out)
If you listen carefully, you can hear me laughing at everyone who told me that the Celtics did not need to trade for a superstar this past season since they were the clear favorites in the East following LeBron’s departure. Surprisingly (there is no sarcasm font yet) Jaylen Brown and Jayson Tatum did not become superstars and were pretty close to being run out by “loyal” Boston fans. While I may clown the Celtics — specifically Danny Ainge — for a lack of willingness to part with either Brown or Tatum, I can understand: both are great. However, I do not think those two will ever be enough to win a championship.
Gordon Hayward has been as good as a player whose leg exploded can be. After proclaiming he would re-sign, Flat Earth King Kyrie Irving jumped ship, which is hilarious. Anthony Davis wanted nothing to do with the Celtics. Kevin Durant did not even consider them. If none of these superstars wasted their time with the Celtics, maybe you shouldn’t either.
Bandwagon Rating: 2.5 out of 5 wagons — would trade Danny Ainge for a 2035 2nd round pick
The Nets landed both Durant and Irving in free agency. Going into the 2019-2020 season, it will be the Kyrie show as Durant will hopefully spend the entire season rehabbing and not be forced into premature action. Irving will not be alone, as Brooklyn also acquired DeAndre Jordan, who looks to be a decent number three. Now, I recommend this organization if you are looking to set up a long term (multi-season) fandom. In year one, you will only get Kyrie but if all goes right and he doesn’t alienate everyone with his theories, then in year two you get a pair of Top 10 players on the same team. Plus they got an owner who might be Putin, so that’s cool.
Bandwagon Rating: 4 out of 5 wagons — would politely read Kyrie’s theory on the Flat Earth
Golden State Warriors
The Silicon Valley bros of the NBA — but somehow not as exciting as the HBO hit Silicon Valley — lost Durant this offseason after literally everyone showed zero appreciation for him.
They still have three-point God Steph Curry, Momma’s Boy Draymond Green, and forever-stoned Klay Thompson while adding Iggy Killer D’Angelo Russell. All I know is Russell was terrible with the Lakers, was superb with the Nets, and will either be marvelous with Golden State or stink.
Bandwagon Rating: 4 out of 5 wagons — would call in the parking lot crying after losing Finals
They missed how many 3’s?!
James Harden is a top-five player. They were able to get rid of Chris Paul’s terrible contract and all they had to do was take on… Russell Westbrook’s terrible contract. They also have nepotism poster boy Austin Rivers.
Bandwagon Rating: 3 out of 5 wagons — salary caps are a social construct
Los Angeles Clippers
Kawhi_Leonard.csv was Finals MVP. I argue that Paul George should be league MVP for all of eternity for his polite dismantling of OKC. That is a phenomenal duo. Is it better than the other superstar duo in LA? I can’t yet say. However I feel that the Clippers are better constructed than the Lakers in terms of depth/bench.
Bandwagon Rating: 4.75 out of 5 wagons — hey Ballmer, move the team to Seattle, thanks
The Los Angeles Lakers
Lebron James, Anthony Davis, Alex Caruso. A true modern day Big 3. Plus they are definitely adding Kawhi. You want to know how I know? Well, my friend has a friend whose cousin has a roommate that follows a Reddit account that posted an Instagram screenshot of a Twitter conversation between…
What happened? I blacked out. The Lakers signed DeMarcus Cousins! Hopefully he has a bounce-back year. Even though they have no bench whatsoever, this is looking like a fun bunch.
Bandwagon Rating: 4.5 out of 5 wagons — would photoshop all top players in NBA history into a Lakers jersey
Two words: Giannis Atetokounmpo.
That’s it. He is the perfect NBA player. He’s the MVP. He should be the logo. I don’t care about his playoff losses. I mean, even Jesus had flaws. Giannis is accompanied by the Lopez Brothers, Robin and Brook. Fun Fact: Eric Bledsoe, cousin of former New England Patriots quarterback Drew is also on the roster.
All hail King Giannis. Giannis for Emperor-President.
Bandwagon Rating: 3.5 out of 5 wagons — Giannis 2020 And Beyond
New Orleans Pelicans
The Pelicans recently acquired Lonzo Ball, Josh Hart, Brandon Ingram and 10,000 shares of Big Baller Brand stock. These are exciting young pieces that still have room to grow.
The crown jewel for the Pelicans is Zion Williamson. He is big, fast, and should be put in the Hall of Fame based on his highlights alone. The Pelicans are a candidate for long-term fandom. They aren’t winning next year, or the year after that. But maybe the year after that.
Bandwagon Rating: 1.75 out of 5 wagons — thank God Zion is not a Knick
Oklahoma City Thunder
Bandwagon Rating: No
Shoot a three pointer Ben Simmons, you coward.
Joel Embiid is exceptional, so hopefully he has a healthy year. Al Horford is a fine complementary piece. Honestly, if Ben Simmons learns to shoot a basketball and Embiid can stay healthy, this is a great organization to throw your fandom towards. Pretty big if, though.
Bandwagon Rating: 3.5 out of 5 bandwagons — just shoot a three-pointer Ben, etc.
Portland Trail Blazers
Thunder annihilator Damian Lillard paired with C.J. McCollum! I swear every offseason one of them is getting an extension. I know one of them got one this offseason, I’m not sure which one, and no I am not looking it up. Rodney Hood, Zach Collins, Hassan Whiteside, Jusuf Nurkic are all great pieces. Overall this is a fun unit that I recommend.
Bandwagon Rating: 3.75 out of 5 bandwagons — would definitely let Dame end my season in heartbreaking fashion
The NBA Champions, the dynasty killers, the… Canadian team. I know they have valuable assets but all that comes to mind is Kawhi Leonard and he left. I would still recommend them, as they are champions for a reason.
Bandwagon Rating: 1.5 out of 5 bandwagons — go back to your old logo