Tasteful Revelry: Counting down Seattle’s best celebrations of 2018

Performative celebration is a spectacle to behold in professional sports. Exciting plays deserve exciting reactions and, in a corporation dubbed the No Fun League, the quality of these reactions have been systemically quelled for years.

But everything changed when the fire nation attacked an amendment allowing group celebrations was ratified before the 2017 season. The Philadelphia Eagles, on a path toward their first championship, were the poster children of this boisterous revolution, dismissing silent humility for much more entertaining festivities.

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Players from different teams realized that having fun is decidedly preferable to not having fun, and these formerly ludicrous celebrations propagated throughout the league quickly.

The Oxford Dictionary defines the word list as “a number of connected items or names written or printed consecutively, typically one below the other.” Lists are extraordinary. So were Seattle’s mid-game performances in 2018. Is there another form of print able to pay as sufficient a tribute to the Seahawks’ magnificent celebrations as a number of connected items or names written or printed consecutively, typically one below the other?

Not a chance.

The hour is upon us to methodically rank the premier celebrations of Seattle’s yesteryear. Yes, I know. This is the content that you’ve been waiting months for.

Honorable Mention: Jetlagged bullshit

In the midst of annihilating the Oakland Raiders on a misty London afternoon, the Seahawks’ receiving corps debuted something that didn’t necessarily inspire confidence in the group’s postflight lucidity.

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“I don’t know if the execution was as good as they hoped,” chuckled announcer Chris Myers, as D.J. Fluker watched his teammates attempt to execute choreography described by some as “choreography.”

Grades:

Disjointedness: 9.5/10

Synchronization: 4.2/10

Excitement regardless: 8.7/10

10. David Moore’s hops

As his health improved toward the end of the season, Doug Baldwin resumed his role of doing Doug Baldwin things. After watching his teammate spin to paydirt in a hotly contested contest in Santa Clara, sophomore receiver David Moore decided to show off the bunnies.

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We all know that Baldwin isn’t the tallest individual, but that doesn’t make the jump any less impressive. We cannot be sure if Doug’s nod is an acknowledgment of his fellow wideout’s athleticism, or if Moore just has dense cajones.

Grades:

Hangtime: 7.8/10

Immediate turnaround speed: 8.7

Involvement of Doug Baldwin: 10/10

9. Will Dissly’s force of habit

Though this world is fraught with entropy, I am certain our universal constants are as follows:

  • Death
  • Taxes
  • The Seahawks easily driving downfield and scoring a touchdown to put them within range when it’s too late

After watching his quarterback throw a late pick-six to all but guarantee a loss, Will Dissly found himself on the receiving end of a garbage-time touchdown. Normally in this scenario, players do not celebrate. But the rookie had other plans.

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With 80% of Zach Miller’s grace, Thrill windmills his arm and spikes the pigskin before immediately realizing that oh right, this literally means nothing. The innocent cluelessness is breathtaking and uproariously funny.

Grades:

Wholesome hype: 8.4/10

Moment of clarity: 6.5/10

Losing the game: 10/10

8. Tyler Lockett vs. Allen Iverson

Tyler Lockett scored a lot of touchdowns in 2018. Like, a lot of them. By the season’s halfway point, No-E was so bored by his affinity for reaching the endzone that he began resorting to historic reenactments mid-game.

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Let us pay tribute to Tyler Lockett paying tribute to our president, Allen Iverson.

Grades:

Historical accuracy: 8.9

Perimeter defense: 4.7

Finding a way to actually step over somebody when your legs are so short: 9.6

7. Jaron Brown gettin’ down

Following an opening drive touchdown against the Los Angeles Chargers, Jaron Brown and co. decided to whip out what ended up officially becoming the NFL’s best celebration of 2018.

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While this accolade does rightfully praise a superb flashmob, there is not a chance that this was the best the league had to offer. This isn’t even the best the Seahawks had to offer.

Overrated as this moment was, I fully support a fourth-string receiver’s god-given right to get down during the first quarter.

Grades:

Synchronization: 9.3/10

Closing shrug: 7.9/10

George Fant’s sportsmanship: 9.9/10

6. Brandon Marshall’s redemption

I will be forever grateful to Pete Carroll and John Schneider for allowing Brandon Marshall to don a Seattle uniform, even for a measly six weeks. Why you ask? Because of this wonderful moment right here.

Forget, if I ever let you (I won’t), that Marshall is one of my favorite individuals the sport of football has ever seen. Witnessing a dominant career crumble at the cruel hand of injuries is never fun. Following multiple surgeries and the fewest receiving yards of his career in 2017, it was clear that Brandon desperately hoped to regain form with the Seahawks.

Immediately after a Week 1 touchdown, we caught a glimpse of his elation and deliverance. A spike of the ball, a yell of “FUCKING RIGHT” and a moment shattering my heart into a million pieces then repairing it and filling it with pure joy, all within seconds.

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The exhausted relief of a broken man determined to be great once again is truly a beautiful sight. Fleeting, but beautiful nonetheless.

Grades:

Altitude: 5/10

Week: 5/10

Altitude Week: 10/10

5. Frank Clark flexing on Dak

The departure of Michael Bennett after 2017 left me believing that I would never actually laugh at a sack dance again. I don’t mean a mere giggle. I’m talking full-on cackle status.

In a win over the Cowboys in Week 3, Frank Clark ground that belief into smithereens via bicep.

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Flexing on the quarterback you’ve sacked is one thing, but literally flexing while you’re literally on the quarterback you’ve sacked is next level.

Grades:

Weird flex: 8.2/10

But okay: 7.7/10

Disrespecting Jerry Jones: 9.6/10

4. The Tip – Take 2

Pettiness was a staple of Seattle’s Legion of Boom defense for years before a veteran exodus left the well of passive-aggressive bullshit relatively dry. This dearth, unfortunately, prevented us from celebrating the worst of our tendencies on national television.

Thank heavens for Doug Baldwin.

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A few reasons why the Seahawks reenacting The Tip at this particular moment is fucking hilarious:

  1. This was the first time that Richard Sherman, who is OP, had played his former team as a San Francisco 49er.
  2. Richard Sherman is one of Doug Baldwin’s best friends and if there’s one thing I can strongly resonate with, it’s a desire to frequently annoy those you hold dear.
  3. This didn’t occur at a significant moment during the game. It was during a commercial break. This means that these three heroes thought to themselves ‘hmm, we have around 60 seconds of free time right now. what should we do? oh hell yeah let’s go be antagonistic.’ This stroke of genius will not go unnoticed.
Grades:

Pettiness: 8.9/10

Historical accuracy: 7.2/10

Accidentally implying that Tyler Lockett is a sorry receiver like Crabtree: 9.7/10

3. The Tip – Take 3

Let me reiterate from above: thank heavens for Doug Baldwin.

In what was his final prime time exhibition (I’m sorry, I don’t recall any such contest in January), the second greatest receiver in Seahawks history decided to go out with a bang and the most poignant reaction to essentially icing a game I’ve maybe ever seen.

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After hauling in a ball with one hand (he does that sometimes), putting Seattle on the doorstep of knocking off the AFC’s finest, Baldwin sat up and lingered on one knee. As teammates flocked towards him roaring triumphantly, Doug just kinda stood there.

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In the biggest moment of his final season, Angry Doug Baldwin was anything but angry. He was stoic. He was reflective. He just… was.

And it was perfect.

Grades:

Lack of visible emotion: 9.6/10

The Mannequin Challenge: 6.9/10

Overshadowing your younger counterpart’s incredible catch on the previous play: 9.9/10

2. David Moore’s first career score

If longevity is key to a player’s reaching Canton, there’s no way that this celebration didn’t immediately gain entry to the Hall of Fame. After his career’s inaugural touchdown, David Moore orchestrated a four-act performance worthy of a ‘fresh’ rating on Rotten Tomatoes.

Act I: The Score

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Scramble drill touchdown. Nice little dance immediately following.

But oh wait… The ref called it off, saying that Moore stepped out of bounds, rendering him ineligible and nullifying the score.

Act II: Confirmation

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Jk.

Anything that solicits any measurable amount of hype from Russell Wilson deserves commendation.

Act III: Weird Shit with Justin Britt

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Nobody knows what the hell this is but these two lovable buffoons were exhilarated within the moment and so was I.

Act IV: A Worthy Sequel

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Earlier, after burning Marcus Peters deep for a 39-yard touchdown, Tyler Lockett spurred on a rousing round of double dutch jump rope. This, the second iteration, was clearly a tighter, more polished production.

It also made me say “what the fuck is this” out loud, the hallmark of an elite celebration.

Grades:

Mike Davis lurking ominously: 8.8/10

Cinematic buildup: 8.6/10

Ability to make me say “what the fuck is this” out loud: 10/10

1. The Bow

What else was it going to be?

Following a preseason holdout that featured swirling rumors of a trade to the Cowboys, Earl Thomas gifted us the best moment of Seattle’s season bar none.

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Had I chosen any other celebration for the top spot, I would’ve revealed myself to be an unreliable narrator. Late in Week 3, Dak Prescott revealed himself to be an unreliable air raider, as he was picked off by current yes I said current Seattle Seahawk Earl Thomas for the second time.

Our King casually trotted towards the opposing sideline, stopped in his tracks, and conveyed an entire spectrum of emotion — most importantly disrespect that had, in fact, been noted — manifesting itself in the form of a bow.

While Earl’s season ended in catastrophe merely a week later, he earned First Team All Pro honors in our hearts with this single gesture. Even if he had not already built a Hall of Fame resume throughout his tenure as a Seahawk, Thomas would go down as a legend for this moment alone.

Grades:

Regality: 10/10

Disrespecting Jerry Jones: 10/10

Talking shit until your final moment 10/10