If you haven’t been living under a rock for the past month, you will have realized two things. One: the ~FiNaL sEaSoN~ of Game of Thrones premieres this Sunday and two: the Seattle Mariners are the greatest team in baseball, nay, sporting, history.
In order to maximize that SEO provide timely and quality content to our loyal readers, I have decided to use Game of Thrones characters to illustrate Mariners players and vice versa. There is something for everyone here.
Mitch Haniger is Danny Targareean
Somewhat confusingly, Danny (short for Daneliracturus) calls her six medium-sized horses “dragons.” These creatures have never flown or breathed (brothed?) flames but Danny insists that they are merely shy dragons and not horses. However, despite being beheaded and stabbed through where I assume the equine heart is, these horses continue to appear in what is perhaps the greatest continuity glitch in cinema history. Could there be more to these extraordinarily plain creatures than meets the eye? Mitch Haniger has been pretty consistently good when he hasn’t been hit in the face by a baseball.
Dee Gordon is Ser Jatsen Stralk
Ser Jatsen was a fan favourite in the early seasons of Thrones before he was turned to the Dark Side of the Force when his one true love, Ladee Allosen, spurned his advances. His about-face from well-meaning troubadour to nefarious schemer shocked the world. Almost as much as his Force Lightning shocked his opponents in the Mortal Kombat tournament that took up much of Season 5. Dee Gordon is fast.
Daniel Vogelbach is The Angry Hill who Rides Small Horses to Make Himself Look More Intimidating
The Angry Hill who Rides Small Horses to Make Himself Look More Intimidating, or TAHwRSHtMHLMI, as he is referred to onscreen, is the current protagonist of Game of Thrones. Despite debuting in the last thirty seconds of the previous season, he is the protagonist because literally every other character has been sent to The Negative Zone by the ghost of Ra’s al Ghul. Wandering the aptly named “Western Continent” alone, who knows what adventures he will find. Hopefully, they include a horse to ride that is proportional to his body. Daniel Vogelbach has hit more home runs in 30 at bats than the entire Detroit Tigers have hit in 423 at bats.
Jay Bruce is Jay Bruce
Including a modern day MLB player in the historical science fiction fantasy steampunk world of Game of Thrones was a controversial choice, but like a hanging curveball, Bruce has knocked it out of the park. Jay’s most memorable storyline involved assuming command over the Night’s Watch, but resigning due to alleged improprieties about how his son was able to gain admissions to the University of Southern Continent on a water polo scholarship despite water polo not being a sport in the Thrones world. Jay Bruce is currently nursing a sore Achilles, so you can call him Patroclus for short.
Ryon Healy is God-Emperor of Dune Leto II Atreides
The reason that Season 8 of Game of Thrones has been delayed for 5 years is due to copyright wrangling between the showrunners and Frank Herbert’s family. I can see why the writers thought adding God-Emperor of Dune Leto II Atreides to the show would help boost its flagging ratings, but incarnating him as an animated 10 year old with spiky hair and the immature (although hilarious) catchphrase of “Eat my shorts!” is not how I would have introduced the character.
While it is amusing to watch this literally two-dimensional character traipse around a 3D world, I can only hope that the writers find some other use for him besides having him write an amusing phrase on a castle wall at the end of every title sequence.
The remaining Mariners Hitters are you
Yes, I mean you. You, sitting there, reading this piece, are a character on Game of Thrones.
Nearly 300 years ago, a catastrophic nuclear war rendered much of the planet uninhabitable. The only way to survive was to retreat into induced hibernation and the only way to survive that hibernation was to stimulate our brains with stories from what archeologists can only assume was the major religious text at the time. You were born in this hibernation and you will likely die in this hibernation.
The algorithms designed to naturally evolve these storylines incorporated the subconscious desires of every human. The features you see in the crowds cheering on Thrones’ pod-racers are the features of your neighbor or even yourself. As we watch the protagonists they watch and reflect back upon us.
One day the skies will clear and the seas will cease boiling, but until then, please lay back and enjoy this presentation by Home Box Office.