Welcome to MARCH MADDENING

Not another bracket, good lord.

I hear you. There are brackets for everything from Game of Thrones characters to snacks to reality show contestants to movies… You name it and it probably exists already. That’s why this one needs to be better.

We made it worse. That’s exactly like better, in a way.

Tasteful Profanity’s March Maddening bracket is a competition; it is between Seattle sports figures; it is something that demands your participation. But, PLOT TWIST, the player, coach or GM has been seeded by how much vitriol they’ve collected over the years. Well, since 2000. We couldn’t include everyone. Too many Mariners, Seahawks and Sonics have disappointed us or annoyed us over the decades.

There are two phases to this contest. Let’s start with the second. Voting will occur on twitter dot com. Follow us at @BeastPode, for that is where the voting will be posted for each individual matchup in each round. You fill out the poll selecting the name that has annoyed you the most. At the end there’s a final four, and a winner. In one very narrow sense of the word.

Phase one is a little different. Phase one is now. Yep. Right now. You will be submitting a bracket online, letting us know who you think will win these public voting matchups — not necessarily who annoys you personally, but who you believe annoys  *everybody*. Submit your bracket. It will be scored. The winner goes on the Pode to gloat. May the best bloger win.

Now let’s get to the matchups!

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Shouts to Will Cornell of Rain City Redemption for designing and creating the visuals.

Let’s get to know the regions better.

The Ken Behring Region

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Fuck Ken Behring. Also, since fans have showered Seahawks offensive coordinators with so much praise recently, the committee saw fit to place them on a collision course.

We’ll find out how much ill will the populace holds against Steve Hutchinson, and if top seed Aaron Curry has what it takes to tackle all — or any — of the Cinderellas shooting through the B gap.

The Clay Bennett Region

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Just typing his name is skincrawly.

This region features Seahawks galore while Jack Z attempts to claw his way out of a thunderous division. Is Tom Cable the favorite to win it all? Did Christine Michael do anything wrong? The greatest tight end in Seattle Seahawks history versus another tight end in Seattle Seahawks history? Yes, yes, we are also on the edge of our seats.

The Jeff Smulyan Region

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Named for the man who tried to relocate the Mariners to Tampa-St. Petersburg, it presents a few juicy details of its own.

All the 1 seeds are tournament favorites, but Huskies football coach Ty Willingham might be the strongest of all. Or he’ll flame out because it’s been so long. Hard to say.

A Harvin-Smoak matchup alone could make the whole second round worth it.

Oh hey, there’s the most successful Seahawks coach ever, sitting in the driver’s seat of a 12 seed. The voters wouldn’t… I mean, surely they wouldn’t… We know there are criticisms of him, and some of them are even valid, but…

The Howard Schultz Region

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Howie could’ve been the best owner in local sports history but instead opted to be the worst. An interesting choice.

Which will be wider: Erik Bedard’s presumed victory over Chris Petersen, or a Blair Walsh game-winning field goal attempt?

There’s no way that Russell Wilson, an elite quarterback and regional icon, would annoy people… right?

 

Some notes on the methodology. Important notes. That’s why I put them at the end of the post, long after you might’ve stopped reading.

A) We drew on sports people from 2000-onward only. This means, of course, no Rick Mirer or Bobby Ayala; no Jim McIlvaine or Brian Bosworth. This decision by the committee — and its decisions are final — allows Alex Rodriguez and Wally Walker to sneak in at the buzzer. Why only this century? Two reasons: Sheer numbers and viewing experience. Not every BeastPode listener and reader is middle-aged. There are some young’uns among us, and they don’t exactly have a ton of sports memories from the 1990s. Whereas most everyone can remember the high notes and low notes from the last 18 years.

B) Some athletes with a controversial criminal past, sex offenders, or those who died recently were all omitted for reasons of propriety, compassion and convenience. We are not monsters, and we do not want to re-litigate every ugly issue out there.

C) There are some names observers will clamor for, claiming they were snubbed. Jermaine Kearse, Brandon League, Willie Bloomquist, Jarrod Washburn, maybe even Ray Allen if you’re an asshole.

D) Present and future Hall of Famers are in the bracket. The committee didn’t necessarily want to include Ichiro and Michael Bennett in the final 64. But the amount of negative feedback those two excellent men, for example, generated over the years make their inclusion mandatory. We don’t like it and neither should you, frankly. Vote how you want.

Oh yeah. Voting. It starts Thursday at noon PDT. Twitter dot com. Be there.

Once again, follow this link to enter; bracket submissions will not be accepted once the voting begins on Thursday at NOON PDT ON TWITTER – we’ve said it twice so you now have less excuses to forget than Eddie Lacy had touchdowns as a Seahawk.

Click the link, press the big green button

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and get going.

Good luck, and good hating. May the best man not win.