BACHELOR ROUNDUP: “Just a Bunch of Words That Sound Good”

Episode two of the Bachelor is in the books which means it is time for the second installment of the BACHELOR ROUNDUP.

Rascals from the BeastGlobe (or should I say BachGlobe) have written up analyses, predictions, and much more from this week’s episode of The Bachelor. It will likely be a combination of humor, insight, knowledge, ineptitude, and everything in between.

Enjoy these words from all of these nerds.

Isabelle:

The first week is fun, because you get to see allllll the nuttiness and it’s all new and entertaining. Weeks 2-4, I’m not a fan of, because at this point all the women are more or less the same, no one has really differentiated themselves, and I start experiencing a personal crisis about going blonde.

The biggest takeaway from this week is that Colton…doesn’t suck as the Bachelor? I guess it’s not hard to seem like a decent human when you’re coming after Arie, but it was both refreshing and endearing to watch him attempt to lead conversations and salvage the disastrous desert hot tub date. He’s very endearing to me, but I worry that as things become more serious as the show progresses, his benign gentleness could become a liability.

Final Four:

FIRG, Bama Hannah, Cassie and “cougar” Elyse as my dark horse pick (tbh I cannot remember any other names). Cassie’s the clear winner though, barring a FIRG upset.

Stock Up/Down:

Miss North Carolina hinted at some pageant beef between herself and Bama Hannah, and even if she’s in the right, the girl who focuses on proving to the Bachelor that someone else is there for the “wrong reasons”/is emotionally unstable/killed her childhood puppy never ends up on top. I liked her, but she’s got no staying power now.

Elyse’s stock went up enough with her conversation with Colton to make me put her in my final four (and for me to remember her name).

Mike C:

Well thank goodness the show’s pacing picked up. All it took was Nick Fucking Offerman making dirty jokes with Megan Mullally to get this season going. Somehow, Colton looks even more awkward than ever — I mean I know the Bachelor is as scripted as a Bevell opening drive but man you would think he would actually practice his lines and pretend to look live.

Group dates are also absolutely terrible and a faux-pas for tension, and honestly I skipped most of that to the storytelling stage because by god I feel like none of these people have ever group-read to a bunch of children.

Demi, who is basically the Richard Sherman of this season, continues to take this contest by force with some aggressiveness that commentators have coined “savvy” only because she is surrounded by idiots. It is not that hard to put on a bathrobe. Who the fuck cares if you touched the rose? Demi could literally wear flats next week and people will be shocked — SHOCKED — to see a contestant stripped down to something so unglamorous.

Hannah B. played way too conservatively with her one-on-one date and then completely botched herself by trying to feel dirty that she didn’t save her virginity for marriage. Ma’am, this ain’t the 1950’s — get with the times! Tracy is absolutely pathetic and I’m not sure Colton will buy the pity card. Way more sex happened at summer camps than what I just saw on TV.

STOCK UP:

Demi, for embracing herself as the “villain”; Oneyka, for making one of the best Dad jokes I have seen; Billy Eichner, for saving the episode.

STOCK DOWN:

Sydney, for responding to a fight and probably being the one penalized, as they do it in the NFL; Hannah B., for not being able to finish sentences; Everyone on the Yellow Team, for wearing whatever the hell that was.

FINAL FOUR:

Same as last week’s for now (Bri, Hannah G., Caelynn, Catherine), but Demi will probably make it until week 7. Hannah G. probably wins it all because hey, the Bachelor is a feel good show right?

Mike B:

I would like to start this out by saying that Catherine didn’t uphold the title of villain how I expected her to and I am so, so disappointed. On the flip side, Demi is coming in hot to fill the young, entitled combatant willing to get drunk and confident on their way to out-aggressing their fellow competitors. The battle between the two antagonists should be more compelling than Seattle’s battle for right tackle heading into 2019.

Once again, plentiful stupidity was expressed via both body language and the spoken word, so let’s explore the dumbest shit that people did, said, and implied in Episode 2:

  1. “I feel like this is my chance to get to know Colton,” says Nicole about literally the first date card.
  2. Nick Offermman telling the story of “plucking the blossom” of the woman he lost his virginity to is really setting the stage here. Excellent.
  3. “I hope you like it,” says Hannah G. to Colton about her upcoming performance. No shit, Hannah.
  4. “Speaking my truth” is the worst phrase on this show, especially when you’re talking about sitting there sweating.
  5. We stan Catherine and her mic drop oh wow.
  6. Tracy getting punched in the face while trying to fuck a virgin and then telling the story in an attempt to fuck another virgin is fitting.
  7. Demi is going to physically and emotionally ravage Colton.
  8. Demi picking up the group date rose after claiming Colton’s mouth as her own is such a massive flex, especially with a laugh as annoying as that.
  9. “This is great but you’re also very very great.” -Hannah G.
  10. “I am worth the world. I am amazing.” -Demi
  11. Tracy and Demi are a more compelling rivalry than the 2013 Seahawks and 49ers.
  12. “If something’s not perfect, I feel horrible” is not the best mindset to have on this clusterfuck of a show, but Hannah B. turned it around pretty well by the end of the one-on-one.
  13. Sydney banging pots and pans in an attempt to bang Colton. Next level.
  14. “Does she not have parents?” somebody asked about Demi. HER MOM IS IN JAIL FOR EMBEZZLEMENT. HAVE YOU NO TACT?!

I am aware that this doesn’t have anything to do with the actual episode but……PIZZA HUT??? More like Pizza Butt, folks. That place stinks more than Bri’s Australian accent.

Stock Up:

Elyse — Making a cougar joke was solid, but I would’ve liked to see her tie it into shitting on WSU somehow. Colton seems to like her enough that he overlooked her describing “rock-paper-scissors” as “paper-scissors-rock,” which is inexcusable.

Heather — She finally told Colton about her steady employment at “Never Been Kissed,” a startup dedicated to helping virgins reach the NFL. The two of them are a match made in heaven.

Stock Down:

Hannah B. — That date was horrible at first. I mean really awful.

Good for Hannah for finding a way to turn it around by the end, but I don’t think she makes it to the final four anymore.

Nicole — She and Nick shared a nice moment talking about her brother and everything that family means to her, only to get snubbed by a girl because she hasn’t ever kissed anyone and held Colton’s hand. Rough.

Final Four:

Elyse — Despite the atrocities outlined above, she saw her stock rise dramatically and seems to be very genuine. I will be rooting for her.

Hannah G. — The model of consistency. Also, she winked at Colton, which is a total baller move.

Courtney — The same age as Demi, but with much more emotional intelligence, as Taylor would say. She mean-mugged with Caelynn when Colton was leaving on his date with Hannah B., so you know she really cares.

Cassie — If there is anything truly resembling of “good” in this universe, she will win this show. She won’t, because this show is horrible and toxic and I love it so I’ll play the optimist and say Cassie ends up victorious in the bid for Colton’s junk.

Sean:

I knew I fell in love with the Bachelor the moment it turned into more air horns than a Rick Ross intro. Hell yes, beat the shit out of that pan. Love this stuff.

Okay *holds ear* yes sorry my editor is screaming at me to pick a final four. Fine Mike, settle down over there.

Final Four:

Demi –Why? Because there is always an awful one who makes it to almost the end. Like that one annoying guy, what was his name? Right, Colton. That was the one. Producer picks are the wooooooooorst.

Nicole — I stan a Miami queen! Also her white bread story had me dying. Instant vote.

Tracy — Can you image how hard it is to have the deck stacked against you at 31 in this hellish competition?! I mean, I’m probably wasting this pick because she almost melted down episode 2, but girl needs some love.

Hannah G. — Girl from Alabama who hates seafood? How did my wife get on this show? Honey, you’re sharing the money right? Right? Honey?

Just another week under we’re on to the third episode and a manageable group of women.

Kaitlyn:

These group dates are always the worst. They brought in some cringy comedians who can’t be funny unless they cuss every other word and make super sexual innuendos. (Editor’s Note: Wow @ me next time.)

The “drowning in bitches” call out with the mic shove was terrible, but not as terrible as Catherine’s outfit for that evening. Did anyone else see her fugly boots?

The group dates where half of the girls go back because they didn’t win some stupid game are insanely awkward. There is so much gloating and self-pity that I went and emptied the dishwasher instead. I also have an issue with the fact that their McDonalds-colored outfits were all crop tops. Who came up with that idea?

I felt so bad for poor Hannah B. She is probably so used to having that fake smile plastered on her face that she doesn’t even notice that she’s wearing it. Colton definitely noticed, and fed into her awkward vibes. Sydney’s pot banging sure is a really great way to get people to like you. Way to make the house bearable. These girls are already miserable and crying everywhere for no reason. Seriously, if Tracy is going to cry every time someone interrupts her, we’re in for a long few weeks.

Fun fact: After she got eliminated, Annie snapped out saying she dumped Colton and called all the other girls psychos. Obviously not true, but a very interesting take on not getting a rose.