BACHELOR ROUNDUP: “Better Than a Bag of Nuts”

Since the 2018 NFL Season officially ended the moment the Seattle Seahawks were eliminated, a dearth of content must be filled. While we could write a T*steful Roundup about Clemson five-starring Bama on the tuckus, a much more pressing matter has presented itself.

That’s right, folks. It’s Bachelor season.

With the 2019 premiere of ABC’s simultaneously celebrated and hated program, we begin our newest venture into the world of televised competition: THE BACHELOR ROUNDUP.

Rascals from the BeastGlobe (or should I say BachGlobe) have written up analyses, predictions, and much more from this week’s episode of The Bachelor. It will likely be a combination of humor, insight, knowledge, ineptitude, and everything in between.

Enjoy these words from all of these nerds.

Isabelle:

Full disclosure: the author watched this episode and wrote this roundup pantsless, eating Nutella from the jar, and ultimately opted against showering tonight. Therefore, please take any of her snark about the women on this show with a grain of salt.

How do you even begin to roundup three hours of television that included a grown woman dressed like a sloth (and almost certainly hot boxing said sloth costume throughout the duration of the night), a real life proposal with real life people wherein the future groom compared their love to this trash ass reality show that’s infamous for not-so-lasting love, and a woman trying to cut down on dog-sitting costs by giving her dog – sorry, her “daughter” – to a literal stranger.

Obviously the big storyline this season is Colton’s virginity, a concept that I honestly thought we were done deigning to elevate in society now? I mean, you can choose to have sex, you can choose not to have sex, it’s not really A Thing unless you’re an overly hormonal teen. Or, I guess, a kind-eyed, conventionally attractive former pro athlete on a reality dating show. I’d like to say that this episode had me thinking more about a stranger’s sex life than I have in a long time, but I have a very active imagination. That said, this season might eventually even prompt sex conversation burnout from me, given how pervasive the virgin-talk has already been.

Annnnnyway, on to the requested prompts…

Final Four:

First Impression Rose Girl, Miss North Carolina, Other Canadian Caitlyn/Kaitlyn, and the Girl in the Flower Dress with the Box of Butterflies That I Thought Were Alive and Was Appalled When She Shook Them Out Onto the Ground (they were fake and Colton tucked one into his jacket pocket after she left). Basically Colton’s type is Millennial Cindy Lou Who.

My research shows this fits Hannah G, Caelynn, Caitlyn/Kaitlyn, and Cassie.

Overall Winner:

Leaning towards Flower Dress Girl (Cassie), though FIRG could make a possible resurgence if she ups her confidence.

Lastly, someone on the show mentioned how Crystal 2.0 (Catherine) was the leader in steals or something, since she interrupted Colton four times with other women, and I somehow don’t think this photoshop will fly with my boss at work tomorrow, so y’all get to enjoy it instead.

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Mike B:

Since this show is poorly written and produced, I figure that this roundup should be no different. To get into the Bachelor spirit, I jotted down notes throughout the episode.

  1. The first hour or so of this show sucks. Jared sucks, Ashley I. deserves better, and the “Colton, I’ll take your virginity” sign in the crowd sure was something.
  2. Demi has a parent in federal prison for embezzlement. On a separate note, I wasn’t aware that Mychal Kendricks’ daughter was on the show.
  3. Proposing on ABC’s The Bachelor if you’re not THE Bachelor is the worst thing I have ever seen and I want to die oh wow. And of course it happens a second time.
  4. Our friend Demi Kendricks is the first one out of the limo, which is a prestigious honor, and leads with “I haven’t dated a virgin since I was 12.” Shouts to Demi.
  5. Sydney, an NBA Dancer, immediately starts with “I quit my job just to see you and I think I made the right choice.” If she goes home immediately I’m going to laugh my ass off. (Update: She stays. For now.)
  6. SHOUTS TO THE FUCKING SLOTH AND TO ABC FOR CUTTING TO COMMERCIAL IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS OSCAR-WORTHY PERFORMANCE.
  7. To the woman who abandoned her dog: I hate you.
  8. The first kiss of the season goes to North Carolina sash girl A.K.A. Caelynn A.K.A. Miley Cyrus but 15 years older.
  9. The entire crowd is fucked up on gargantuan mojitos and I am here for this.
  10. Dog girl (Catherine) is the next Krystal. Also, Chris Harrison reluctantly attempting to get that canine to take a dump must be the most arduous experience imaginable for him.
  11. Catherine triple-dipped on interruptions and was the victim of the petty sit-down from another contestant and this show is horrible and I will never shut it off.
  12. Whenever a conversation ends with “honestly, I feel good about this conversation,” you should not feel good about that conversation.
  13. OH MAN CATHERINE QUADRUPLE-DIPPED WHAT IS THIS.
  14. “I would be really happy if I got [the first impression rose] but honestly I think any of us could get it,” is always a fun and poorly timed statement, as that person never gets it.
  15. The tribute to Chris Harrison was delightful. We stan a king.

I’m not yet sure how Catherine stacks up against the villains that preceded her, but she looks to pan out nicely while checking all the boxes:

  • Determined
  • Bougie
  • Petty
  • Being convinced she’s the only one that has a shot at the Bachelor’s love
  • A lack of thoughtfulness
  • Annoyingly breathy voice

As I — and others — have stated previously, Catherine is basically the second coming of Krystal. The sky is the limit for this passive aggressive milquetoast.

Final Four:

Cassie was the first girl featured before the limos arrived and seems to be a delight. I mean, she and Colton kissed…in sign language! She’s in.

Katie, who also seems wonderful (and too good for this cesspool of a show), snagged a kiss from Colton. I’ll guess that she’s in but the pure of heart usually get annihilated on this show so I’m not confident.

Hannah G. stood out even before receiving the first impression rose. She and Colton seem to have emotional chemistry and they breathed weirdly and heavily together; a sign of true love. Also, I am fairly sure that, post-kiss, Colton said “I had a nice fart with Hannah” and I refuse to believe it was “start” and not “fart” so she is now “fart girl” and nothing will convince me otherwise.

Also, she was staring at Colton exactly like this.

The sleeper pick has to be Hannah B. I would’ve laughed my ass off if, on the same night that her Alabama Crimson Tide was steamrolled by Clemson, Hannah was sent home in similar fashion. But, alas, after flailing more than Christine Michael in space, she and Colton talked and established that there may be something there.

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Overall Winner:

Cassie seems like too obvious of a choice, but we’ll stick with her here because good things always happen to good people on reality television. Right?

Peter:

This is the only Bachelor roundup you need. I have never watched the Bachelor. I say this not as evidence of any sort of superiority, just that I am coming into this in total ignorance. I will also not be watching any of the Bachelor because I don’t have cable and school is pretty time-consuming. That said, as a college-educated white male, I am absolutely brimming with undeserved confidence about my predictions.

Final Four:

Tayshia — Phlebotomist is probably the most interesting (to me) career out of all the contestants and she also has french in her Instagram bio.

Nina — The ABC bio references her family fleeing violence in Croatia “among bombs and bullets” which is a way-too-cheery alliteration to describe what happened over there.

Nicole — There are apparently a lot of dancers among the contestants, but Nicole is a salsa dancer and that level of specificity gives her the edge.

Adrianne — She also goes by Jane. Two first names just means she has a backup in case one gets elimated. That’s how this works right?

Overall Winner:

Catherine — Look, I know she wasn’t in my top four, but this is the Bachelor, anything can happen. A duel career of real estate agent and DJ is a potent combination to find a great home and throw tight ragers. I predict that she is recalled back into the final 4 or 3 or whatever after an unfortunate but non-life-threatening injury removes one of the other contestants.

Mike C:

This was the first time I had ever watched the Bachelor live, so I was quite eager to see why it was such a popular spectacle among football twitter. After tonight, it is clear why followers of the Seattle Seahawks and those of this show share similar fandoms. If you enjoyed witnessing the comedic narcissism, disappointment, and anguish of the 2018 Seahawks season, then you will love watching the Bachelor with Colton Underwood.

For starters, it took longer for the show to start than it took Russell Wilson to complete a pass on Saturday. We barely saw much of the mansion. The atrocious pacing and minimal explanation of who our contestants are nearly made me give up on the three-hour snoozefest. Taking a page out of Brian Schottenheimer’s playbook, the show would cut away to “live” parties with Bachelor “fans” and personalities, just as things were working and becoming exciting – though seeing Bruce Arians being a security guard for the hot tub was a nice cameo.

There was very little hype around our main hero Colton, and tonight showed why he was never able to find a spot on the 53-man roster. What a ridiculous sequence of events during that cocktail party, culminating in the pissing match between Catherine and Oneka. Even Pete Carroll never lost a locker room of volatile personalities this fast.

The fact that I can’t even remember some facts about this guy (except for the introspective shower scene that the producers probably ripped off from a Korean drama) makes him meme-worthy and arguably the blandest and most uninteresting free agent since Luke Joeckel. Giving Caelynn the first kiss was also the worst decision I have seen someone make on TV since throwing a pass on the one-yard line. (Editor’s Note: I regret this already.)

All in all, I’m glad that some of the contestants actually have some personality. Elyse had the best dress of the night. Katie is the girl that Colton doesn’t deserve so she will be quickly eliminated. Cassie’s the most moral of them all so she’s gonna get her heart broken. Revian better gets an episode to herself later when she inevitably comes back midseason. I hope Kirpa becomes a DLC character for Smash. Alex D. not getting get the first impression rose AND being eliminated showed how stupid Colton is (sloths are sexy!). Hannah B. put up more of a show than Nick Saban did against Clemson.

I’m not sure if Catherine qualifies as a troublemaker or if Oneka deserves more blame for stirring shit, but both of them seem pretty weak so far compared to Corrine.

Final Four:

My guesses would probably be Bri because lying is dramatic, Hannah G. because having a social media brand means you go far in life, Caelynn, because I absolutely hate her, and probably Catherine because life is not fair and is a good producer’s pick.

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Overall Winner:

If Colton does not give the final rose to Lucy the Dog I will riot.

Sean:

Ah, the annual tradition in our house. Watching the Bachelor and Bachelorette. The show my wife loves and therefore I have been told I am contractually obligated to also love. She watches all of the Seahawks’ games, so it’s honestly the least I can do. Or at least I can not complain too loudly about.

Night one was, as always, an unbridled shitshow where I couldn’t possibly keep up with the names of 30 strangers. Thank goodness you can always count on the previous contest retread to be the main character; at least I know someone in this train-wreck of humanity. Colton, the twice-used Bachelor from Becca’s season and Paradise, is a compelling story of a failed professional athlete who finds love just strong enough to get him on TV three times.

The night started as it always does, with an hour of forgettable live nonsense followed by the real reason for watching: the intros. I’m sure there has been a lot of talk about sloth girl (Alex D.), but I want to focus on the real enemy here. Catherine. Never mind the fact that she interrupted more times than Michael Wilbon with a hot take on PTI. Okay fine no that’s what I have to complain about. I’m mostly mad because every season has that one person that is completely insufferable that the producers force down our throats. There’s no way he likes this ridiculous caricature of a person, right? Catherine, I look forward to hating your guts these next few weeks. Of course, you got the final rose. Damn the producers, you malignant professionals, you tiny souls. God damn you.

I’m excited for the season to start, but I hate the start of the season. Too many names. My wife is screaming about something I assume is the fault of Colton, or maybe Chad from last season. Who knows. When does Paradise return? Bring back Bibiana you cowards.

Kaitlyn

I’m sure it’s been said a hundred times, but how many virgin jokes can we make in one night? If this was a drinking game we would all be trashed. I am also so sad that Blake isn’t the bachelor. I liked him so much more than Colton on The Bachelorette!

I have taken notes on first impressions for every girl as they exited the limos and interacted with Colton. Here we go:

Demi — Interesting dress, bad virgin joke. Wow these girls are so young. Demi is 22.

Tayshia — OMG let’s all be nervous.

Heather — “Never been kissed” isn’t a job, let’s be real.

Nicole — Spoke Spanish, and received super fake-interested look from Colton.

Caelynn — Why is she wearing her sash? Oh, it’s got two sides. And she used the wrong form of “Mrs.” Typical.

Sydney — Cute dress, NBA dancer.

Elyse — More nerves. Got it.

Tahzjuan — Super bad pun, but it worked.

Cassie — Oh a box! Is it homemade? Just fake butterflies. And Colton tucks one into his jacket…hmmm…

Kirpa — They almost didn’t show her name

Caitlin — Her name is spelled wrong, and that cherry poppin joke is so bad.

Courtney — Sweet Georgia peach?

Katie — I actually laughed at the V-card.

Alex D. — This sloth thing is taking way too much time, but I appreciate the dedication. Annndddd a virgin joke.

Onyka — Pronounced her name a bunch, then called Colton a snacc to the camera. Redemption with the whistleblowing and swimmin in bitches comment.

Erika — He just remembers McNutty and “wow I could’ve done better than a bag full of nuts,” but it was clever.

Hannah B. — Champions…oh the irony. But Roll Tide! As Miss Alabama, there’s some serious tension with Caelynn.

Tracy — Why is a wardrobe stylist in a cop car?

Angelique — Girl, he won’t know whose glitter is whose. Everyone’s wearing glitter.

Devin — Literally nothing. They barely showed her. Who is she?

Revain — Blonde and I think I spelled her name wrong but I can’t read my handwriting anymore.

Nina — Speaks more languages.

Alex B. — Not talking.

Bri — Fake Australian accent girl.

Laura — We don’t like the cowboys, sorry.

Hannah G. — Another blonde, bad underwear joke, still got the first impression rose.

Annie — Blonde.

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Jane — Aw! Cute doggie photos. They’re photoshopped, of course.

Catherine — Has an actual dog, but omg stop interrupting. So many lip fillers.

Erin — This Cinderella thing is too much. Find your shoe and get outta here. She does! Bye!

Needless to say, Colton has a type: blonde and blue-eyed. The sheer number of fake blondes is astounding. At least there aren’t any Laurens. All they did coming in was complain about how many girls there are. I will never understand why everyone acts so shocked that there are so many people here. You’ve all seen the show, you know how this goes. The first rose ceremony is always uneventful. The villain always gets a producer pick, so hello Catherine. Adios to the rest of you, I don’t know any of your names.

These ceremonies are getting so late. I can’t imagine dealing with all this drama for hours and hours on end. Here’s to more tears, passive aggressiveness, and over-the-top dates.

Patton:

As fun and unexpected as the Seahawks season was, we now get into the “Most Dramatic” season out there: Bachelor Season.

The live parties looked miserable. I’d rank them:

  1. Blake and Jason
  2. Kaitlyn and JoJo
  3. Ashley I. and Jared

Blake and Jason are first because they’ve both convinced me that they’re actually fun to be around (both have been on The Ringer’s Bachelor Party hosted by Juliet Litman, and both were absolutely fantastic guests). Jason is also good friends with Rob Gronkowski, so you know he knows how to party. Kaitlyn and JoJo are my two favorite Bachelorettes. JoJo was easily the most charming and attractive, while Kaitlyn basically broke the franchise by having sex with Nick before the Fantasy Suites. She recently broke up with the winner of that season, and I’m glad to see she’s still in the Bachelor Nation’s good graces.

I only have a few thoughts on the contestants thus far:

1. Caelynn is certainly the one who loses all confidence and crushes under the pressure. She and Hannah B. are almost definitely going on a 2-on-1 (Miss North Carolina; apparently they were roommates during that competition).

2.) I expect Nicole or Demi to become the ‘villain’ of the season, which I’m okay with (although I think Demi makes it far).

3.) The villain of the first episode, Catherine (the lady that brought the dog), will be going home soon. They just keep her around for us to hate her for the next two or so episodes. Also, bad form by Colton to just tell her “thanks for wanting to spend some time with me, but I want to give x more time.”

Final Four:

Cassie — My initial favorite and the first person they show, which means she is a contender. Also, she seems like his type (blonde, happy-go-lucky). Also, they’re trying to shine her in a great light. Bad sign that she showed him the sign for ‘kiss’ and he didn’t kiss her.

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Demi — First person out of the limo which means a contender. Also, you know The Bachelor would LOVE to have a reunion with her and her mother getting out of prison on a home town. No chance she wins — too much for Colton — but probably makes it near the end.

Hannah B. — She introduces herself as being from the “Home of the Champions” of Tuscaloosa, Alabama, which is funny because they got destroyed by Clemson THAT DAY. I also liked that she called herself a “total train wreck” and that she’s “kissed three guys, but I’m not a virgin.” Well, duh.

Hannah G. — The one who got the First Impression Rose. Also, from Alabama, I think? She’s vanilla but she’ll be around for a while.

Overall Winner:

Cassie. They just tried to make us like her too much.

Finally, since everyone has been talking about Colton’s virginity, I have a couple of thoughts.

It was hilarious when Colton said: “It was a conscious decision, at first.” Translation: I was born religious and was going to wait until marriage, then I had to lie to all my teammates in the locker room and now I’m just ‘waiting for the right moment.’ You can basically bank on whoever is the first girl in the fantasy suite is the one he’s going to pick at the end. Also, he’s going to sleep with multiple women and tell them both they took his virginity, which should make for an explosive ‘After The Final Rose.’