No, that’s right. You read it right. 2019.
1/20/19
The Houston Deshaun-DeAndre Texans find out they’ll be meeting the New Orleans Saints in Super Bowl 53, after Drew Brees & Co. escape with an overtime victory over the plucky Seattle Seahawks in the NFC Championship Game.
2/15/19
Ahead of schedule, the incoming Seattle NHL expansion franchise “releases” its team name: the Kraken. Team colors are jet black, crimson and sea green. Liam Neeson is hired to introduce players in pre-game ceremonies.
3/9/19
The No. 12 Washington Huskies men’s basketball team improves to 24-7 (15-3 conference) with a victory in Eugene, sealing the regular-season Pac-12 title. No matter how the conference tourney shakes out, UW is certain to return to the NCAA tournament after a seven-year absence.
3/28/19
Opening Day for the Seattle Mariners baseball club. They win. Yay.
4/27/19
The Seattle Seahawks complete their 2019 draft. Aside from selecting a kicker in the second round, with one of the picks gained by trading back from 1.29, no notable surprises.
May
More Mariners games. They lose. Yay?
5/29/19
In Game 7 of the Western Conference Finals, ancestor of all humans LeBron James scores 77 points to go with his 37 rebounds and 27 assists. It’s the first triple-twenty in NBA history. Oh yeah, Golden State defeats Los Angeles anyway, 138-135, on a Klay Thompson three-pointer at the buzzer. (Editor’s Note: Gross.)
6/2/19
The Sounders lose their eighth straight game and fall to last place in the Western Conference, putting their 10-year streak of reaching the MLS playoffs in serious* jeopardy.
*as if
6/30/19
Nelson Cruz, who leads the majors in home runs (30) and RBI (like, almost a hundred), is named to the American League All-Star team. He is one of six Astros on the squad.
July
More Mariners games. They win and lose. And lose.
7/28/19
Seahawks training camp officially opens. A spirited battle begins between Matt Flynn and Jake Heaps for the critcal backup QB job. Frank Clark reports, playing under the franchise tag at $17.5 million. Earl Thomas sends greetings from Dallas Cowboys camp.
September
The Huskies begin to miss Jake Browning.
9/8/19
The Seattle Storm, behind a combined 86 points from Sue Bird and Brianna Stewart, improve to 24-0, defeating Dallas by a score the bloge is not allowed to print. Immediately following, the WNBA convenes its Board of Directors for an emergency midnight meeting. In the interest of NFL-style parity, the Storm are forced to play with only four players on the court at one time for the rest of the season. They finish 33-1 and are reduced to three players for the playoffs.
Seattle’s dream season ends with a forfeit loss in Game 5 of the WNBA Finals, when mysteriously, both remaining Storm players foul out in the first quarter.
9/30/19
The Sounders win in Portland to clinch a playoff spot.
October, November, December
12-3-1, baby.
Tasteful Profanity 