T*steful Roundup: GOING TO THE PLAYOFFS Edition

Welcome back to another Victory Monday version of THE T*STEFUL ROUNDUP


The Seattle Seahawks, on Sunday Night Football, beat the high-flying Kansas City Chiefs to shit all over preconceived notions and clinch a playoff berth. Contributors, guest-posters, and all sorts of rascals from the BeastGlobe will write up a brief chunk of text discussing their thoughts from the previous night’s game. It will likely be a combination of humor, insight, knowledge, ineptitude, and everything in between.

Enjoy these words from all of these nerds.

Mike C:

The trouble with the NFL is that it goes too fast. An average play takes around 5 to 15 seconds from start to finish. A series of downs can end after only three plays. A team can turn itself around within a year.

This bang-bang approach often gives everyone involved little time to digest the effects of their actions. Even fans, who have the luxury of being spectators, are quick to focus on the future. We like projections. We like hypotheticals. We want scenarios that ask “what could be?” instead of saying “what we are.”

In a few weeks, the Seahawks will finish the 2018 season and play onto January. And it’s why I encourage you, as a fan, to embrace experiences like last night as much as possible; to enjoy these fleeting moments before we face the next. Because last night, the Seahawks just beat arguably the best team in the league and earned at least one game in January.

That’s special. There isn’t any other way to say it.

The narratives will all be there when you wake up tomorrow, as will the discussions about Doug Baldwin’s crazy catches, Russell Wilson’s supernatural ability, Pete Carroll lining up Bobby Wagner at defensive end, etc. The tape and the replays will be there.

What you felt last night — and probably still feel right now — likely won’t. Whether it’s excitement or fear or elation or contentment, it’ll eventually fade when you wake up in the morning, so cherish it. Savor it.

The 2018 Seahawks are going to the playoffs, and you were there.

You. Were. There.


There once was a man born in Ohio

And wow could he let the ball fly-o.

His team ran all out

And those 12s sure did shout.

Now this dumb team is headed back to the playoff show.


i mean they only make movies about winners but remember when forrest gump started running & nobody got what he was doing but then suddenly the whole damn country was buying nikes & eating off of shit happens plates or whatever so running changes the tilt of the universe. at least if youre living a movie.


Russell Wilson throws the sexiest deep ball in the NFL.

A one-legged Doug Baldwin is still an elite wide receiver.

Chris Carson is the rare running back that makes me excited to run into an 11-man box.

Pete Carroll is a wizard who could turn the cashier at his local vegan smoothie shop into an elite cornerback, provided he’s got at least 32” arms.

The Seattle Seahawks made Mike Chan tweet nice things about the Seahawks and if that doesn’t make you believe in Christmas miracles then I just don’t know what to tell you.

(Editor’s Note: This is absolutely a Christmas miracle.)


As I’ve said all along, the Seahawks are winning the Super Bowl.

After taking Week 15 off to let the backups play, Russell Wilson and Doug Baldwin (our father, hallowed be thy name) decided to kick some ass this week. In the most fun game this season, the Seahawks punched their ticket to the playoffs with a convincing win.

Why did it take 5 years for Pete and John to hit on low round DBs again? Tre Flowers is looking legit as well as Akeem King playing out of his mind.

The Seahawks are clearly winning the Super Bowl and our hopes are now the highest that they’ve been, so be wary.

Go Hawks.


Also, blitz Russ at >5 yards to gain at your own risk.


The Seahawks will get the number one pick. The Green Bay Packers, loaded with offensive talent and newly acquired tight end Jimmy Graham, are poised to make a run at the NFC North. San Francisco will be a real threat as they start to rebuild and have one of the hottest coaching minds in Kyle Shanahan. Look for them to push for a Wild Card spot as the Seahawks flounder in Pete Carroll’s ninth year.


Sorry, I’m getting something here.

Ladies and gentlemen, I regret to inform you the Seahawks are back on their bullshit. Oh hey Kansas City, that’s a nice MVP candidate you got there. Be a shame if he got outdueled in primetime. Hate to see it.

Akeem King stepped in and made an immediate impact, Russell Wilson dropped his deep passes in like a cruise missile strike, Michael Dickson dropped kicks, and Seattle is ready to back up the Brinks truck to Frank Clark’s house. I hear his Scrooge McDuck pool is almost ready.

Cheers folks, it’s the most wonderful time of the year.


The Seahawks have played neck and neck with the top teams in the league week after week this season. They’ve crushed bad teams and only had two bad games against clearly inferior teams (fuck you, San Francisco).

And last night, on national television, they welcomed the league MVP (probably) and his merry band of terrifying weapons and then kicked their shit in.

The Seahawks led for all but 6 minutes or so in the 2nd quarter. It wasn’t domination, but the Seahawks *beat* Kansas City. And no play better exemplifies this win than a Russell Wilson checkdown on 3rd and 15.

The game is tied at 17. The Seahawks are outside of field goal range. A false start and two runs push the team back five yards. Russ feels some pressure and with nothing open downfield, flicks the ball to Ed Dickson, a man with the ability of a skyscraper; Ed Dickson, who then dodges one man and then bowls over two would-be tacklers for a first down.

The drive would end with a Russ-to-Doug bomb for a touchdown. The rest is history.

Mike B:

The Seattle Seahawks are going to the playoffs. A lot of us said it before the season started, but I’m not sure how wholeheartedly we believed it. I flipflopped, without a doubt. Even Seattle’s most optimistic fans lost faith a time or two.

But they did it. They fucking did it.

Russell Wilson is incredible. When I was trying to write something along those lines, I got so excited about him that I ended up penning a whole separate article about it here.

Doug Baldwin continues to remind us that he is one of the best wide receivers in the NFL and he will not be defined or hindered by debilitating injuries.

Tyler Lockett is the most efficient and most diminutive-yet-devastating deep threat in the NFL.

Chris Carson is a battering ram.

Nick Vannett is a tight end.

Bradley McDougald said “fuck you, knee injury” and anchored Seattle’s back end on a night that nobody expected Kansas City to be quelled.

K.J. Wright said and did literally the same thing.

Bobby Wagner is Bobby Wagner.

Shaquill Griffin has stormed back and played majorly excellent football over the past few weeks.

Delano Hill and Akeem King proved that, with proper coaching and opportunity, they belong.

Pete Carroll has done an incredible job this season developing players (who we would have never expected to step up like they have), scheming around their strengths, and maximizing an honestly underwhelming roster. Last night was his coup de grace for the haters.

The Seahawks have, at minimum, one game in January. They will maximize this opportunity as they have maximized just about every other they have encountered in 2018.

And I cannot wait.

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