After a long day of getting off sizzling takes online, there is nothing more horrid relaxing than sitting down to watch your preferred football team participate in Monday Night Football. Prime time is the primest of times for your guys to shine.
The problem lies, though, with the cornucopia of viewers ESPN draws for these spectacles. Not even the slightest miscall can hope to scoot past these cantankerous observers; these snarling DirecTV subscribers foaming at the mouth to send scathing tweets to their enemy team’s fanbase.
In short: if people think a bad call benefited one team, they won’t shut the fuck up about it.
The Seattle Seahawks have dominated the forefronts of many similar discussions in recent years, leading to a moniker embraced by the local fan base with laughter and aplomb: The Cheathawks. The name encompasses a symbiosis of rivalrous venom and victorious satisfaction. Frankly, it’s delicious.
Much of the time, NFL fans become unreasonably enraged due to decisions merely perceived as miscalls. I know. Shocker. And prime time football inherently escalates nearly everything in a violent crescendo, culminating in a chorus of laughter and are-you-fucking-kidding-me’s.
This week’s showdown between the Seahawks and Vikings was no exception, as a swirling tempest of complaining still surrounds a controversial blocked field goal at the seraphic hand of Bobby Wagner.
Since this shit is still funny to me, I’m going to count down Seattle’s five funniest MNF (Monday Night Fuckeries) that, to this day, still make me laugh the hardest.
Honorable Mention: Brandon Browner mugging Brian Quick on the goal line
There wasn’t really any controversy here, as Kellen Clemens’ final throw of the game was nowhere near the receiver. But the Rams had previously endured this
and then, after failing on several attempts at the goal line, gif-ted us this:
There was no way I could exclude it. (Editor’s Note: Fuck The Rams.)
Honorable Mention: Conservation of linear momentum
This didn’t occur on Monday Night Football, but it still makes me cackle regularly so an exception must be made.
On Sunday Night Football, against the eventual Super Bowl Champion Eagles, Russell Wilson decided to do this:
Viewers decried the play as an illegal forward pass, but we, intellectuals, scoff at their presumed refutation of the constant that is linear momentum. In other words, the ball can be (and was) moving backward when Wilson initially released it. It was inevitably going to end up moving forward since the human carrying it was sprinting. That doesn’t mean it wasn’t a lateral.
But that logic didn’t slow the mob. Whenever football and science meet on the TL, hilarity ensues.
No. 5: Bobby Wagner jumping over the line to block a field goal
I’m sure you are all well aware of this week’s circumstances. 2018 Bobby did his best 2016 Bobby impression and leaped over the line to swat the kick away. In the midst of this gravity-defying act, Wagner’s phalanges briefly brushed against the backs and/or upper buttocks of his teammates. Even though he gained zero leverage or height from this moment of contact, it’s apparently a penalty.
But the referees decided that it’s a stupid rule so they picked up the flag. Because that’s what it is: a stupid rule.
The predominant narrative states that the block precluded the Vikings from likely winning, as the score would’ve been 6-3 with a make, rather than giving the Seahawks an opportunity to drive down the field and score a touchdown.
If Minnesota was going to win that game, their $90 million man wouldn’t have pulled a Kellen Clemens (see above) and they would have punched it in on the goal line before that. They didn’t, and they didn’t win. Hilarious.
No. 4: Jeff Triplette taking three touchdowns off the board
This instance comes at us from a different angle, as the calls didn’t benefit the Seahawks. Jeff Triplette, showcasing geriatric exuberance, called back Percy Harvin touchdowns on consecutive downs. The troglodytic judge then decided that pancakes are actually personal fouls, which nullified a third score by Harvin.
The reason that this infuriating sequence has been included is that, despite a trio of teeders being rescinded, the Seahawks still won comfortably. And that is hilarious.
No. 3: Richard Sherman kills Bills
Two separate moments stand out from this game. The first was a sequence directly preceding halftime in which the Bills, trailing 28-13, were lined up to try a 53-yard field goal. Richard Sherman, jumping the snap, came across the line early. Instead of allowing Dan Carpenter a free attempt at a field goal to pair with an offsides penalty, Sherm dove straight at the ball, which also happened to be where Carpenter’s foot was planted. Since the ball was contacted, it was not deemed roughing the kicker.
I’ll be honest — it was a dick move by Sherm. But I get where his head was at from a logical perspective. I wouldn’t have done it (mostly because I am frighteningly unathletic compared to these titans) but I can understand it to an extent.
The chaos that followed was utterly comical. Because Carpenter had been down “hurt,” he was forced to leave the field for one play, spurring on a Rex Ryan tirade the likes of which hadn’t been seen previously. The Bills spiked the ball, allowing Carpenter to return and attempt a 48-yarder on the following snap.
But then, just because, a delay of game penalty was called, pushing Buffalo back an additional five yards. And then they missed the ensuing 53-yard field goal. And then Sherman immediately picked Tyrod Taylor off in the 3rd quarter and mean-mugged Rex Ryan.
AND THEN, after Sherman lit up a Buffalo receiver when the quarterback had left the pocket (which is absolutely legal), Bills fans melted down in excellent fashion.
The circumnavigation of rulebooks in a deluded attempt to convince oneself that a team has been wronged is truly one of life’s greatest miracles. The Seahawks won this game on essentially the final play which is, still, hilarious.
No. 2: The Fail Mary
No need to explain this one.
Golden Tate caught it. He did. 100%. By the rules, it was a touchdown. It may have been a bad rule (it was), but it was indeed a rule. Packers fans are still salty to this day, which is absolutely hilarious.
You may be wondering why the Fail Mary doesn’t occupy the highest slot in this power rankings. There are several reasons why, but first let’s set the stage.
With the Seahawks leading the Lions 13-10 and under two minutes remaining, Detroit’s offense led by Matt Stafford and Calvin Johnson were driving down the field. Similarly to the 2012 meeting between these two teams, the Lions were poised to either kick a field goal to tie or score a touchdown to win, leaving little time for the Seahawks to respond. Similarly to the 2012 meeting between these two teams, Matt Stafford turned to his left and found an open receiver. Dissimilarly to the 2012 meeting between these two teams, that receiver did not score a touchdown.
Kameron Chancellor, with microns to spare, thrust his fist into Calvin Johnson’s possessed projectile, propelling the pigskin into the end zone. K.J. Wright, bless his soul, tapped the ball out of bounds, forcing a touchback and allowing the Seahawks to regain possession, all but ending the game.
Alright. Now let me explain to you why this is unequivocally the most hilarious Monday night debacle of them all. Here is a list inside of a list:
1. K.J. Wright was far and away the most tranquil being on Seattle’s defense at the time. Surrounded by psychos hellbent on destroying those lined up across from them, K.J. was just about the most unlikely person to rile up such a gargantuan ruckus. But rile up a ruckus he did.
2. Calvin Johnson is unarguably a top-5 wide receiver in the history of football. A 99th percentile behemoth, Megatron was more mountain than man. And on the precipice of victory, Kam Chancellor was just like “nope” and sonned him on national television.
3. Similarly to the first entry on this list within a list, the physical act of tapping a ball out of the end zone is so unassuming and nonviolent. The juxtaposition of this diffident move next to the normalized violence of football is fucking hilarious and nothing will convince me otherwise.
4. There was without question reason for Detroit fans to be mad. It was clearly an illegal play! And the Seahawks got away with it, which is obviously the most hilarious aspect of this whole scenario.
5. Finally, Russell Wilson pulled some classic shitfuckery to officially ice the game. What’s new?
While I am confident that this list will continue to grow as time elapses, I am thankful that we are able to look back upon these moments and, for
once sevence, have the last laugh.
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