Things that mattered (jk no they didn’t)

Let’s start with Richard Sherman.

A) During 43-16, Sherm didn’t matter

Make zero mistake: without Seattle Seahawk Richard Sherman, there is no Lombardi in the case at the VMAC or wherever they keep the shinies. But on Sunday, as his new team, the bad team, lost by a lot, a hell of a lot, he did not matter.

He didn’t tip a pass, he didn’t break one up, he very much did not intercept one, and he got to watch Doug Baldwin convert a 2nd and 21 in his face. Then, WR4 Jaron Brown evaded RS25 during a scramble drill, for the clinching touchdown. Sherm should know better, right?

Love you Richard, and everything you’ve done. Glad you got your ass kicked. Come back for more later. Also, you’re the best. Now go away before we taunt you a second time, with a re-enactment of The Tip. Respect.

B) 49ers running backs didn’t matter

Matt Breida came into the game averaging 8.0 yards per carry and a touchdown a game. Haha no. It was 5.8 (still awesome) and 0.4 (not bad for a team that rarely scores).

He carried the ball five times for 6 yards. His longest run was for three. Sorry if you started him in fantasy.

Jeff Wilson Jr., the fullback, had one explosive run of 11 yards and spent more yardage chasing Bobby Wagner toward his own end zone than he gained in 15 carries. Unlike Bobby, he did not score. He failed to matter.

C) Nick Mullens’ passing yards didn’t matter

The 49ers outgained the Seahawks by 229 yards in the air. They lost by 27. For every yard Mullens out-threw Russell Wilson by, San Francisco conceded 0.12 points. For every yard! Throw for eight yards, lose a point on the scoreboard. Keep throwing in two weeks, Mullens.

D) Bobby Wagner’s pick six didn’t matter

It moved the win probability needle from 99.8 to 99.9, turning a sure victory into a sure victory. It didn’t, it didn’t, it didn’t, it didn’t, it didn’t ma, it didn’t ma —

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It mattered a fuckton and several hundred spare fuckpounds thrown in for good measure.

E) Kyle Shanahan’s cute little temper tantrum didn’t matter

You can’t see it too well on the video, but that’s a hearty “fuck you” right at the line judge, to punctuate their amicable little chat.

It cost his team 15 yards, but if you’re watching a 2-9 season turn into 2-10, I mean, cut the coach some slack. At least he still has fire. Come on the pode, Kyle. You’re a good fit.

F) Sebastian Janikowski’s two missed extra points didn’t matter

Oof. This is very good a pooch punt, in a very non-punting situation.

A knuckleball? Really? The local baseball team isn’t holding tryouts, Seabass. They’re dumping everyone who ever played for them. Jay Buhner, Alvin Davis, Chone Figgins, Carl Everett, Nelson Cruz, Bobby Ayala, Jamie Moyer, Kaz Sasaki, Rich Aurilia, Jose Guillen — all gone. Maybe stick to football, man. And holding sandwich placard advertisements underneath your uniform.

G) Dante Pettis’ long touchdown catch didn’t matter

But it was so cool!

Good for Pettis. But in the end, it’s winning that matters. Crushing a rival 43-16 matters. Heck, a nine-year scorigami streak matters more than everything above.

EXCEPT BOBBY. There will be no slander of the man from whose loins all of creation has sprung. He matters. Amen.

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