T*steful Roundup: Bobby Wagner Edition

Welcome back to another Victory Monday version of THE T*STEFUL ROUNDUP.

This is not actually the Bobby Wagner Edition, this is the 49ers Edition, but Bobbert earned the title with a truly fucking insane performance on Sunday. Contributors, guest-posters, and all sorts of rascals from the BeastGlobe will write up a brief chunk of text discussing their thoughts from the previous night’s game. It will likely be a combination of humor, insight, knowledge, ineptitude, and everything in between.

Enjoy these words from all of these nerds.

Griffin:

Chris Carson is a demi-god. Russell Wilson was amazing except for a few misses. I wanted a direct challenge/target on Sherman but alas.

Jarran Reed is a monster. His development is jaw dropping compared to his rookie year. He doesn’t win very early in the snap, but linemen cannot sustain blocks against him for long. He wins eventually and is relentless with his counters and the repositioning of his hands throughout the snap.

Clark was close a couple of times; he wanted a sack badly. Oh, well.

Peter:

Has anyone ever seen both Kyle Shanahan and Warner Huntington III (from Legally Blonde) in the same room at the same time? No, of course you haven’t because they are the same person.

Also the same person as Kyle Shanahan? Every single male antagonist from every chick flick since 1980. He is just attractive enough to earn some of the viewers’ trust, but after watching him coach an NFL team for three quarters, I am now convinced that he is evil.

Also he got a fucking personal foul for cursing out a referee. Maybe you can get away with that when your win total can drive.

Michael S:

Reports of the Seahawks demise had been greatly exaggerated, it seems.

After losing several of their best players on defense, some by choice and some by unhappy accident, it seemed as though the Legion had been doomed.

With playmakers walking in free agency, the addition of a…questionable hire at offensive coordinator and drafting a running back in the first round, it seemed as though an offense attempting to add by subtracting was just subtracting.

After the weirdest, undominant 27-point beatdown I’ve ever seen, the Seattle Seahawks of Renton find themselves in the driver’s seat for a playoff spot and a 5th seed.

Though, it seems the reports of the team’s demise merely exaggerated what is a pretty serious cough. The defense was more sieve than severe and the offense seems hell-bent on running for 150 yards every game when Russell fucking Wilson is right fucking there, goddammit!

I’m not as worried about the defense as some and for two reasons. The first: there were a lot of missed tackles today that gave the 49ers plenty of extra yards. Both of Dante Pettis’ touchdowns featured a missed tackle. Unless the quality and talent of the players is going downhill right before our eyes, I don’t see the missed-tackles flu of today breaking out into an epidemic.

The second: their success is tied to their offense and not their defense anyway. This team will always live and die by the play of one person, and one person only: Russell Wilson. If he continues to be on one every week, then the Seahawks will continue to either win or barely lose games, even if the scoreline will be 38-35. Defense doesn’t matter as much as offense does.

Sam:

In 2006, students at Godwin High School held up a banner on their sideline when facing Collegiate High’s football team. The banner simply said: “The ‘Russell Show’ Stops Here.”

Russell Wilson, then Collegiate’s quarterback, proceeded to throw six touchdowns and dismantle Godwin by a score of 44-19.

Twelve years later and somehow people still haven’t learned to not give Russell Wilson bulletin board material. If you give him it’s sort of motivation, he will end you. When Mike Pettine mentioned prior to a 2015 game between the Seahawks and Browns game that Wilson wasn’t a Tier 1 QB, Russ proceeded to throw three touchdowns, no picks, and beat the Browns 30-13.

Richard Sherman did not get the memo.

As soon as Sherm’s comments were released this week (“I’ve seen [Wilson] throw 5 picks in a game / he can be defended / Seattle is a middle of the road team”) I knew he was going to have a bad time. Russell did what he always does: he took the high road in his press conference and praised Sherman repeatedly all week… and then proceeded to scorch the 49ers with four scores and no interceptions (including a touchdown against Sherman.)

In a way, I respect Sherman for the pure dedication to his brand of being a hater. But sometimes it’s in his best interest to filter it and know when it’s going to make him look silly, as it did yesterday.

Sherman gave Wilson bulletin board material and Wilson came out of it with a 140 passer rating, his 72nd career win (10th straight vs the 49ers), and playoffs firmly in his sights…while sending Sherman home with a 2-10 record and probably a lower PFF grade.

Lucky for Richard, he has a do-over opportunity in a couple weeks. Don’t fuck it up again Sherm!

Mike B:

Bobby Wagner.

He went to Utah State.

He is a fan of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

He is good at basketball.

He is better at football.

He is a Hall of Famer.

He is the best linebacker of this decade.

He is like Luke Kuechly except good.

Very good.

So fucking good.

Give Bobby Wagner DPOY you cowards.