Seahawks Recap: Bobby Wagner and Doug Baldwin are very good, it’s true

Last night at 2 AM I began watching The Ballad of Buster Scruggs on this new streaming service “Netflix”. Did y’all know that you can watch TV shows and movies on your computer, Xbox, or phone now? I give Netflix 5 stars! (Netflix sponsor the Pode.) Without further ado, here is the Not-Netflix-Sponsored-(yet) Anthology Recap of Thursday Night Football!

Imagine being one of the best in the world at what you do. You wake up, grab your usual coffee or whatever, and slip into your business outfit. You visualize your success on the drive into work and trade office banter with your coworkers at the Honeywell HWB1083S 39-Inch Commercial Grade Freestanding Water Cooler Dispenser, Hot, Room and Cold Temperatures with 3 Tray Positions and Cabinet, Stainless Steel (Honeywell sponsor the Pode). You avoid thinking about all the “economists” who think your job is unimportant. After quite a bit of ostentatious pre-work pyrotechnics, its go time. And then every time you try to accomplish something, you are met with a bear hug and wrestled to the ground. This is how I imagine it is to be a running back against Bobby Wagner. Like a tree in Red Dead Redemption, he is an immovable object, and like me controlling Arthur Morgan on horseback, tailbacks just keep running into him and getting knocked on their ass.

Doug Baldwin is many things. Angry. Disciplined. Really fucking good at wide receiver. But there is at least one thing he is not. He is not 30 feet tall. If he was, the most comically inaccurate throw of Russell Wilson’s tenure would have been right on the money. A 30-foot tall Doug Baldwin would probably be the greatest weapon in NFL history. He would also need an immense amount of Tide Liquid Detergent Pods to clean his dirty uniform. (Tide sponsor the Pode). He could probably be a two-way player and start at defensive end. Shohei Who?

On April 28th, 2016, the Seattle Seahawks traded out of the 26th pick of the draft for both the 31st and 94th. Three picks later, Robert Nkemdiche was selected by the Arizona Cardinals. While Nkemdiche was not exactly a draft darling of Seahawksdom, his measurables and play at a position of need made him going to a division rival sting a bit. Fortunately, his subsequent play has been as soothing as ULTRASTRENGTH BENGAY PAIN RELIEF OINTMENT (Bengay sponsor the Pode). Nkemdiche played 83 snaps across 5 games in his first season and followed that up with a barnstorming 256 snaps in 12 games his second season. He logged his first sack in his first game this season (that’s game 18 for those counting at home). Two years later, almost to the day, the Seattle Seahawks — in an almost universally panned draft — selected an uber-raw pass rushing prospect who might even be younger than Evan Hill. Rasheem Green earned his first sack in less than 120 snaps. Point being: Tiny Beaks suck.

Tre Flowers is French for Very Flowers which is on point because man does his play smell as nice as a candle from the Williams-Sonoma Essential Oils Collection (Williams-Sonoma sponsor the Pode). Pete Carroll has turned a 5th-round safety prospect into a legitimately competent NFL corner. Yeah, Davante Adams got the best of him a couple of times on Thursday night but Davante was starting in his 62nd NFL game and you can count the number of NFL starts from Tre Flowers on two hands (or one hand with nine or more fingers).

Player development is rarely linear and Tre Flowers might not ascend to the Shermanosphere. However, fans wildly underrate competence (especially cheap competence). Pete Carroll may have some antiquated ideas about football, but having a coach who can make even the most seemingly useless players matter is good. Also, Pete Carroll is a wizard with cornerbacks.

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