Folks, the Seattle Seahawks are playing the Arizona Cardinals this week; the team that prevented us from making the playoffs last year; our opponent in the infamous Blood Bowl (my preferred nickname being The Evening Redness in the West); the recipient of a 58-0 beatdown that is the second biggest win in the NFL since the merger (Russell Wilson threw 13 passes that game, take that analytics).
We at Tasteful Profanity therefore declare this week to be the Best Guy Around* Memorial BEAK WEEK.
* (Best Guy is not dead, he’s just off twitter, which is basically the same thing (or are we the dead ones and he the one truly living?))
And what better way to start off BGAMBW than by comparing the beaks of the strong and noble osprey versus that of the weakling and traitorous cardinal.
The BBE (big beak energy) osprey, specifically, western Osprey, is a sight to behold.
The meat clinging to the bird’s bigger beak is probably fish, but it might also be cardinal flesh. Compare the elegantly vicious curve of the osprey beak to the positively hideous cardinal beak.
While ospreys live and die by their ability to eviscerate prey, cardinals just need to eat some seeds or whatever.
Beyond beak size, the osprey is a big-ass bird while the cardinal is just a big ass-bird. The osprey wingspan is seven times larger than that of the cardinal.
Additionally, ospreys are significantly more badass parents. According to Pliny the Elder, osprey make their offspring fly towards the sun and if they find any of them lacking, they leave them to die. Cardinals probably try to be their kid’s best friend and give their teenagers booze to be the “cool dad” and end up with lousy children that never reach their potential.
In summary, follow the BBE and stick with Seahawks over Cardinals.