A (non-comprehensive) list of the ways I have deeply fucked up over my thirty-plus years on this mortal plane:
1. Had a child (that wasn’t the mistake you cretins) and been so impoverished at the time that I had to shake quarters out of a piggy bank to pay for gas to take him to a wellness checkup
2. Predicted the 2010 Mariners would make the playoffs
3. Checked my phone while driving, which led to flying through an intersection at approximately 40 MPH, going airborne, and burying my Honda Element 30 yards into a thicket of trees. When pressed by locals at the scene (me) the responding officer commented: “Boy howdy you are lucky you aren’t dead.”
4. Predicted the 2015 Mariners would make the playoffs
5. When housesitting in high school I once took the dog for a walk, let the dog in the house, closed the door for some reason or other, which locked me out of the house. This was at approximately 11:30 PM, and the home was on a five acre property down a long, private driveway. It being the early 2000’s, I had no cell phone and no car. I sat outside shivering until 7 AM in a t-shirt and shorts, before I walked to a neighbor’s house to call my parents, who called a locksmith to open the house. The dog had crapped everywhere. I didn’t get asked to house sit again.
6. Turned off the 2015 NFC Championship Game
Are these things, which are legitimate fuckups, taken in part or whole as big of a fuck up as blowing a 24-7 lead to Stanford at home, or fumbling when securing victory allows you to do literally anything BUT precisely that?
Hahaha of course not go dawgs