T*steful Roundup: Shitcago Edition

Behold Week 2’s roundup. Contributors from the BeastGlobe have sent in their thoughts regarding last night’s defeat in the Windy, nay, the Losedy City. As always, it’s a combination of humor, insight, knowledge, ineptitude, and everything in between. Kind of like what the Seahawks do.

Enjoy these words from all of these nerds.


When we faced the Bears in 2012, it was a “checkpoint moment.” That game was when we knew Russell Wilson was going to be a franchise QB. A lot of great, great memories have been made since then — ones I’ll treasure for the rest of my time on this earth. I’ve accepted the fact that those handfuls of years will more than likely be the peak of my fandom watching this franchise. After this gutcheck from the 2018 Bears, in addition to what’s transpired since the beginning of the 2017 season, I think this game may be a “checkpoint moment” for me.

Wins and losses are ALWAYS collective efforts. I never try to lay too much blame on a single variable. That said, PC has to wear this. As Head Coach and Vice President of Operations, I’m tired of hearing the same excuses every week as to why you aren’t doing the things you insist upon doing week in and week out and then following up every postgame presser by being an apologist for it and your staff. My expectations for last night were tempered, but what happened was utter embarrassment for the offensive coaching staff. The garbage time drive near the game’s end covers up what was a very one-sided affair. Despite two useless burned timeouts, abandoning the run for about three quarters, pure ineptitude from Solari & Schotty, as well as another shook performance by Russ, the opportunity for victory was somehow there until the pick six.

We’ve always taken pride in “giving ourselves a chance,” win or lose, and I’m here to tell you, though that’s a good thing, I’ve grown tired of hearing PC tell me that after every loss. It may only be Week 2, but the same exact issues that were going on throughout last year persist today. Yet another game with no opening drive TD and though we’ve been told time and time again “it’s about how you finish,” maybe it wouldn’t hurt to start before the back half of the 4th quarter to switch tempo/make adjustments or perhaps just stick to your (self-proclaimed identity) guns.

Complete and utter failures in the trenches on both sides of the ball. Poor third-down conversion rates (5-for-16 after 2-for-12 in Week 1). The dead horse can’t be beaten anymore. The carcass has dissolved. /rant

Positive notes for Shaquill Griffin who had two INT’s. And Austin Calitro, who filled in for Bobby better than anyone anticipated. Mychal Kendricks too, who played fast and loose for someone with a lot on his plate. And Tyler Lockett, who has scored TD’s in back-to-back weeks. Also, not too bad on the discipline front. Only 5 penalties for 37 yards. Hopefully, that trend continues as we seek our first victory of the season Sunday against the Dallas Cowboys in the home opener.

Follow @Cyoplasm

Michael S:

After watching the Monday Night debacle, I’m bidden to remember a cartoon in which the subject was in a canoe which had quite a few holes in it. Alarmed and fearing for his life, the subject placed each foot and hand on a different hole only to see yet another hole spring a leak.

As the cartoon moved his hands and feet to cover the leak, a new leak would spring up in the uncovered hole, prompting a morbid game of Twister. This is how the Seahawks have been handling their roster and their team in the early stages of this season. In an excruciating twist, it appears they’ve drilled all the holes in their boat on their own.

Oh, and the cartoon? Well, his boat sank, with the only remaining proof of his calamity his tiny hat, floating eerily on the otherwise pristine surface of the lake.

Go Hawks.

Follow @MikeAllSawyer


Fact: Russell Wilson will be the Seahawks quarterback in 2024.

Fact: Pete Carroll is not on the hot seat.

Fact: John Schneider murdered the last draft, and not in a Ted Cruz Zodiac Killer sort of way.

Fact: That Seattle offense Monday night, and those men leading it, sucked with a persistence usually reserved for industrial-strength vacuum cleaners, or the vacuum of space itself.

Fact: It is hard to win on the road in the NFL. Even harder when you throw a pick six, which is not #recommended. Only RW’s second. Though he’s thrown more costly interceptions, according to legend.

Fact: 12-3-1 sure is a lot harder to reach when you put multiple Pro Bowlers on the bench and on other people’s teams. Maybe fewer bad injuries and lousy personnel decisions in the future, Seahawks?

Fact: this fuckin rocked

Follow @johndavidfraley

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