The Everlasting Plight of Tanner McEvoy

We are gathered here today to celebrate the illustrious and continuing career of Tanner McEvoy. Throughout the two seasons that he donned navy and green in the Pacific Northwest, McEvoy stockpiled just about every career milestone imaginable.

Blocked punt? Check.

Multiple receiving touchdowns? You had better believe it.

Greatest player in NFL History? Without question.

Despite his achievements being as numerous as they are remarkable, the T-Train has been forced to leave Seattle’s station. That’s right folks, I’m resorting to train puns, for I have been but a broken soul in a railyard of emotional fatigue ever since McEvoy was released by the Seahawks. I will do my best to conduct myself in a professional manner while I attempt to stay on track.

Tanner’s departure was and is confusing from both personal and personnel standpoints. On one hand, why would Seattle get rid of its best player and on the other hand, WHY WOULD SEATTLE GET RID OF ITS BEST PLAYER? HAVE WE LEARNED NOTHING FROM OAKLAND’S DEBAUCHERY?

Fortunately, none of this matters anymore.

Because the T-Train slows down for no one.

New Orleans immediately scooped up the 6’6″ conqueror after he was waived. The Saints finally had Drew Brees’ heir apparent. But Mickey Loomis’s thirst for signal callers could not be quenched, trading for Teddy Bridgewater on that same day. The quarterback room was crowded and, due to Tanner’s desire to avoid teams’ internal politicking (yet another feather in the young steed’s cap), he probably asked for his release.

The NFL’s conspiracy against Tanner had never been more pronounced. With collusion running rampant throughout the league and Roger Goodell obviously feeling more threatened by McEvoy’s dominant #brand every day, he was forced to sign with one of the league’s worst teams: the Miami Dolphins.

Tanner knows that Florida is a pivotal stepping stone that will take his career to its inevitable and final phase. In Miami, he will have biannual auditions in front of William Stephen Belichick. With Tom Brady and Rob Gronkowski both inching closer and closer to retirement, there will soon be massive voids left by the all-time talents in New England.

Belichick isn’t stupid. He understands what needs to be done and a trade for Miami’s newest leviathan is inexorable. With Gronk likely retiring after 2018, McEvoy can plug into his spot and easily surpass him as the greatest tight end in league history.

Tom Brady has recently implied that he’ll play until he is 45 years old, which leaves four or five more seasons. For the sake of conservatism, let’s assume his final year is 2021, thrusting Tanner into the role of the Patriots’ starting quarterback in 2022.

Gronkowski’s last contract, which was signed in 2012, ended up at approximately $9M APY over six years. Assuming a similar deal will be signed by McEvoy (as a tight end) before 2019 and assuming the NFL’s salary cap continues to rise at a steady rate (not accounting for new CBA), a six-year $10.5M APY deal seems all but predestined at this point.

With three years left on McEvoy’s deal after Brady’s post-2021 retirement, Belichick will once again find a way to harbor an elite quarterback on his roster at well below market value, which will likely top out at around $45M a year or so by then. In the trio of seasons that McEvoy is making around 20-25% of what he should be, it shouldn’t be unreasonable to assume New England will win two of three Super Bowls due to his high level of play and the team that Belichick is able to construct around him.

Since the Patriots will refuse to pay nearly $55M for a quarterback, Tanner should hit free agency in 2025. Guaranteed contracts, similar to the one Kirk Cousins just received in free agency, are more common at this point, but not the norm. Seeking a three year $130M deal, the stars align for McEvoy.

Russell Wilson’s stint on the Seahawks will end after a remarkable 13-year run resulting in four championships. Paul Allen will assuredly state that, despite the franchise’s gratitude, it is best for both parties to go their separate ways. The 31-year old T-Train will be in the midst of his prime and it makes too much sense for his career to come full circle back in Seattle.

While it is okay and, frankly, necessary to grieve for our beloved McEvoy at this time, his pre-trade experiences in Miami will bring us a tanner Tanner and we’ve always wanted to stan a tanner Tanner bringing home all manners of banners.

The (rightfully) renowned career of McEvoy has nowhere to go but up. His predestined ascent will be a pleasure to watch as he continues building his esteemed resume.

May Tanner bless us all.