T*steful Roundup: Chargers Edition

Welcome back to THE T*STEFUL ROUNDUP.

Contributors, guest-posters, and all sorts of rascals from the BeastGlobe will write up a brief chunk of text discussing their thoughts from the previous night’s game. It will likely be a combination of humor, insight, knowledge, ineptitude, and everything in between.

Enjoy these words from all of these nerds.

Peter:

Wow that was certainly a game of football. [Your favorite/least favorite] fringe player had a [surprising/expected] night as he made [plays/mistakes] seemingly every time he touched the ball. With another performance like this next week, his roster spot will be [locked down/up for grabs]. As for the rest of the team, it was [good/bad] to see this type of performance, even though it is just preseason. I’m not predicting [16-0/0-16], but with more tape on the starters, I’m starting to [get hyped/lose faith that Pete Carroll, John Schneider, Russell Wilson, Bobby Wagner, Frank Clark, K.J. Wright, Doug Baldwin, Tyler Lockett, and Chris Carson can get this ship turned around].

Follow @HDr0bot

Jacob:

We knew Seattle’s pass rush was an outstanding question. Most of us also figured that the secondary would come around well enough, and it’s looking so. Neither Tre Flowers nor Dontae Johnson are pulling ahead, but that doesn’t make their battle lackluster. It should produce a strong young starter.

But the real chance the secondary turns out to be anemic with turnovers, combined with the potentially spotty pass rush, may well produce an offense-driven team. Despite this, it should still be a well-balanced, contending team.

The Chargers’ starting OL surprisingly owned the second level, swallowing Bobby Wagner & K.J. Wright. It made the whole defense look soft. The front should still be better than they looked tonight, but I have to give the Chargers credit. They’ll be a top AFC team.

I really like the Schottenheimer offense’s design, but you already knew that. Keeping that in mind, there was too much work going on in the flats, especially in the 2-minute drill. This may be a reflection of the WRs & TEs. I like the involvement of the RBs in the passing game and that will pay dividends, but I don’t want that involvement to come on account of a dearth of receiving threat.

As much as these notes dwell on the negative, I’m more than pleased with what I saw. The pass protection is functional and the run game mixes well. The presnap shifts and variety of personnel packages all make for stronger offensive continuity than we’ve seen from this team in a few years. And Russell showed tonight he hasn’t forgotten how to bring the big play potency.

Meanwhile, there’s plenty of talent on defense. It remains to be seen if anyone will break out to be the kind of impact player to match the names of the recently departed, but they don’t really have any holes. They just can’t afford any significant injuries.

Follow @JacobStevens

John:

Preseason Game 2 reassures me that the Seahawks’ offense will be better and more balanced than last year, the defense will be close to as good, depending on Earl Thomas’ presence (he will return), and the special teams will be quite a bit better. It’s hard for me to see, absent significant bad luck with injuries, how they win fewer games than last year.

Follow @johndavidfraley

Mike:

I was unable to watch the Seahawks play their dreaded preseason rivals over the weekend. With the Chargers in town and the starters getting more playing time, it was a prime opportunity for old faces and new to establish or earn their roles on the team.

With a slew of names all fighting for their livelihoods, one player stood out to me the most while I watched a condensed version of the broadcast.

Philip Michael Rivers.

Yes, somehow I am aware that Mr. Rivers is not a member of this great city’s football team. And yes, this does mean Philip Michael is a member of the #MikeHive. It doesn’t matter. That dude slices the municipality of Seattle to shreds every time he enters the city limits. An elite child-haver and quarterback one in the same, our old friend Philip knows how to shake and bake against a Seahawks defense that is particularly vulnerable against dump offs underneath.

I understand why Rivers has such unique success against the Seahawks, though. His utilization of this one-of-a-kind ability throws DBs for a loop:

Philip Rivers literally can’t throw a football.

Which makes his ability to complete passes at such a high level so baffling! I have nothing but the utmost respect for players who can’t do what they’re paid millions to do. Ted Ginn Jr. can’t catch footballs. Christine Michael can’t carry anything in his left hand for more than three seconds or else the football gods will force a fumble or trade your team’s best pass rusher for a late pick and a receiver who won’t even make your roster.

I would have to assume that the thought process of Seattle’s defensive backs goes a little something like this: “Hey, this guy literally can’t throw a football. If this guy literally can’t throw a football, then I don’t need to cover my man. Okay dope. I won’t cover my man now.” This clearly explains how the Chargers seemed to constantly have receivers streaking uncovered throughout the secondary. The spectacle of Rivers contorting his right arm and then moving it in such a grotesque manner that the football exited his grasp and entered that of his pass-catchers is one of this generation’s great mysteries. If I’m not mistaken, Bill Nye the Science Guy brought in Rivers a number of years back to analyze both of his absurd throwing motion and his impossible rate of child-bearing (it was a joint episode with Antonio Cromartie).

Other takeaways from the game would have to include the impressive receptions by David Moore and Jaron Brown. Germain Ifedi once again looked as bad as Russell Wilson did good.

But none of this matters because Philip Rivers is my father and also Ken Norton Jr.’s father (and everyone’s father, or so it would seem). I haven’t forgotten that the Chargers handed the Seahawks their first loss after winning the Super Bowl by way of Danny Woodhead bullshit and neither should you. It was infuriating.

With that said, I usually don’t put much stock into the preseason, but the Los Angeles Chargers are coming. It would be better for all parties, especially Seattle’s secondary, if between now and November 4th, Rivers figures out how to throw a football like a normal human being.

Follow @SeahawkScout

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