The Seattle Seahawks finished their first preseason contest of 2018 nearly a week ago. In typical Seahawks fashion, the ending was needlessly dramatic after the Colts fumbled the ball approximately 10,000 yards back into their own end zone (thanks Glowinski) where it was recovered by Joey Ivie. If he makes the team, the Seahawks will finally have an Ivie Leaguer on the roster.
Per an EXCLUSIVE SCOOP, I have heard that Pete Carroll and John Schneider are so disgusted with losing to the Colts they have decided to completely revamp the roster.
In classic PC/JS style they are making some unorthodox moves. I’m hearing that they are cutting the entirety of the 90 man-roster (#alwayscompete) and replacing it with non-football players. As far as I know, there is no rule that players in other professional leagues cannot play in the NFL and I bet Paul Allen can funnel money through their original teams instead of using cap space. So without further ado, here is my projection for the 22 opening day starters of your Seattle Seahawks.
Right Tackle, Right Guard, Center, and Left Guard: Stephen Frei x4
This one may seem a bit wacky, but hear me out. Four versions of Stephen Frei would be unstoppable. We cloned a sheep like 20 years ago, so we are definitely ready to clone people by this point. I’m sure Paul Allen can just reverse the polarity of his de-aging machine and progress the clones really quickly. Stephen Frei is one of the only athletes in Seattle that stops things for a living and stopping things is critical on the offensive line.
Left Tackle: George Fant
Did you know that he played basketball in college?
Tight End: Nelson Cruz
The ultimate home run threat. Imagine trying to get past Nelson Cruz and his enormous arms. He can stand in at tackle in a pinch but also has enough hustle and size to box out linebackers. He’d pretty much be unstoppable with the ball in his hands. Jimmy Graham to Nelson Cruz would definitely be an upgrade. (Editor’s Note: How dare you)
Running Back: Jordan Morris
Point-Scoring Prowess: Check.
Quarterback: Breanna Stewart
She was picked 1st overall in the WNBA draft so she is without question already better than Russell Wilson. Additionally, she is 6’4” so she can actually see over her offensive line. As a basketball player, her footwork will be adept enough to avoid the occasional pass rusher. Basketballs are basically the same size and shape as footballs so I’m sure that won’t be an issue. My biggest concern is her putting the ball on the ground.
Wide Receiver: Sue Bird, Megan Rapinoe, Guillermo Heredia
Sue Bird and Megan Rapinoe would be (to my knowledge) the first married couple to play in the NFL simultaneously, let alone on the same team. Bird would provide a bigtime target for teammate Breanna Stewart and also has a surname that NFL commentators would invariably try to make into a stupid “Big Bird” joke. Unfortunately, someone on the team has to fall on this sword.
Rapinoe would complement her spouse by filling the Doug Baldwin safety-outlet role. Not the biggest player, her dedication to her craft would soon bring her game up to, and above, par.
I should not have to explain why I want a guy with the nickname “El Conde” on my team, but such is the world we live in. A Cuban émigré, he has got the sort of background that Carroll loves. His unrelenting drive and hustle will provide a spark for the offense as players get settled into their new roles. Also, “El Conde”.
Defensive End: James Paxton, Clint Dempsey
James Paxton is 6’4” and has long arms that could be useful in shedding blocks. He isn’t the fastest, but he’s got a thick build and probably some room to bulk up. As a pitcher, his job is to prevent runs and as a defensive lineman, he could do the same.
Clint Dempsey is a stone-cold motherfucker. Do his dimensions fit that of a prototypical NFL defensive end? I have no idea. But there is no doubt in my mind that if you told him to set the edge, he would do so with such ruthlessness that the opposing tackle would cry uncle.
Defensive Tackle: Kyle Seager, Jean Segura
The NFL defensive tackle is one of the most unique body types in sports. You must be big and stout but also possess enough quickness to work through offensive linemen. However, scouts pay the most attention to their butts and their first steps. We all know that Kyle got a donk. And playing third base, he has to have a great first step to snag balls going down the line. It’s gonna be unorthodox, but maybe his relatively small stature will be a plus in a league shifting more towards the pass.
Jean Segura shares many similar traits with Seager (butt + first step), but he also has some stuff in common with the best DT the Seahawks have had in recent memory. He is eminently GIF-able.
(Editor’s Note: I wasn’t aware that GIFs of Sheldon Richardson were going viral, but I’ll take your word for it)
Linebacker: Román Torres, Robinson Canó
First off, Román Torres is 100% a linebacker name. Secondly, Torres is big and strong as all get out. Who would win in a collision between Román Torres and a semi-truck? My money is on Torres.
Robinson Canó gets a lot of unjustified flack for his alleged lack of hustle. But the man is a wizard who never arrives late or early but precisely when he means to. This precise application of force will help him meet the appropriate gaps and make tackles. He certainly won’t be the most violent tackler (I imagine getting tackled by Canó as a firm hug that somehow ends up with me on the ground), but he will certainly be effective.
Safety: Osvaldo Alonso, Mitch Haniger
Osvaldo Alonso has been playing as the Sounders defensive midfielder for what seems like a decade. He also had the Honey Badger nickname before Tyrann Mathieu. His ferocious defense has kept the Sounders entertaining and he also loves to hit long shots that are questionable decisions at best. As strong safety, he will be required to lay big hits on opponents which I think he will relish.
Mitch Haniger is a classic late bloomer. Finally given his shot in the NFL, his range will play nicely at free safety. His surprising amount of pop will also mean he can lay the wood with the best of them.
Cornerback: Cristian Roldan, Kate Preusser, Dee Gordon
Roldan has seemingly limitless energy and superb positional flexibility. No matter where his man lines up, he can follow him and mark up effortlessly. Also, by switching to football and being able to use not only his feet but also his hands will make him at least twice as effective.
If Richard Sherman taught us anything, it is that the key to success in the NFL is the ability to talk trash. And I have never been around someone with more withering trash talk than Kate Preusser. What is so devastating about her technique is that it completely avoids slurs. Her words cut to the core of your being, but instead of being enraging, they empty you and force you to reconsider the entire string of decisions that led you to that particular place and time. With Kate lined up at corner, we might see the first mid-game retirement in NFL history. And if the ball is thrown in her direction, I’m sure that she can turn her trash talk onto the ball itself, rendering even the most rifle-armed pass into a Peyton-Manning-circa-2015 duck.
Dee Gordon would fill the nickelback role. The dude is mega-fast and has style to rival WTIII (see turn ahead the clock night uniforms). He also already has experience playing two radically different positions, so I’m sure a third would not be too difficult to pick up.
So there you have it. The Seahawks starting 22 for this coming season. The haters, losers, and dismal scientists out there will tell you the Seahawks don’t have a shot. And with the current roster, they might be right. But once Carroll and Schneider install these new players, the sky is the limit. 19-0 baby!