As the summertime atmosphere oscillates back and forth between unbearably sweltering and deliciously temperate, the time for rejoicing is nigh. Football is here, games are near, and holy shit I need a beer.
With training camp beginning in less than a week and a slew of unknowns donning navy and white practice unis, we really have no idea what the fuck the Seattle Seahawks are going to look like throughout the rest of 2018. Predictions in July are about as valuable as ten euro from a condescending Frenchman in a Croatian dive bar.
To fill in the gaps in our knowledge, it is necessary to ask questions so hard-hitting that even one Andy Benoit wouldn’t dare mutter them under his breath.
That’s right. I will be your heavyweight Benoit on this glorious day.
Here are the six questions that every Seahawks fan needs to be asking as the team heads into training camp.
Can the squad overcome its lack of Richardsons?
Free agency was a capricious bitch to Seattle this year, as the team lost a large percentage of its veteran corps to other teams. Two of the most emotionally devastating losses were our Richardsons, or should I say Richardfathers, going by the given names Paul and Sheldon.
Paul Richardson, an electric receiving threat and now-resident of this nation’s capital, leaves a void at receiver while my bby Sheldon will single-handedly annihilate offensive lines in Minnesota to the tune of only eight million dollars. Yes, I am still furious.
The absence of Richardsons from Seattle’s roster is disturbing.
With this in mind, it only makes sense for the Seahawks to sign the dynamic Saskatchewan Roughriding running back Trent Richardson to a deal. The number of resources invested in C.J. Prosise, Chris Carson, and Rashaad Penny aren’t nearly enough for a Carroll-Schottenheimer tandem so this move only makes sense.
Is Tedric Thompson ready to make the leap?
Let me preface this by simply stating the obvious: the Seattle Seahawks should not trade Earl Thomas.
A cornucopia of nincompoops online has preposterously played advocate to the idea of trading Seattle’s still-elite free safety. As absurd as this theory truly is, the odds of its occurrence are nonzero (psych they’re fucking zero).
In the event of an Earl Thomas trade, one must familiarize themselves with the distant Incan proverb that roughly translates to “next man up.” If Earl is moved to a different team, who replaces him?
That’s where Tedric Thompson comes into the mix. The second-year man out of UC Boulder looks to parlay his lack of speed and an opportunity born of front-office dull-wittedness into a starting gig in the league.
Are you a big fan of your favorite football team giving up a profusion of touchdowns in the deep middle third? Say no more fam! Tedric is your guy. Comparable to December 5th, 2016 Earl Thomas, Thompson must be your safety of choice for the Seahawks if you’re campaigning for the team to trade away its All-Pro centerfielder.
Camp will be a strong indicator of whether Tedric will be really bad or only slightly bad*, so stay tuned, folks!
*Tedric is going to be fine – everyone hold your horses
When will Mike Solari reveal his true colors?
Speaking of horses, it was quite an invigorating sight to see Pete Carroll say neigh to another year of Tom Cable.
Enter Mike Solari: offensive line aficionado. Great first name, if I’m being honest.
A change of scenery will be nice for Tom Cable and by that I mean it will be nice for me to never again see Tom Cable on my TV except for when the Seahawks fly to London to shit on their former assistant head coach and David Carr’s fourth-ranked quarterback.
My main concern is with the pronunciation of the name Solari. I would assume the ‘ah’ sound can be pronounced one of two ways:
- ‘Aww’ like elite interior OL Hermione Granger while swishing and flicking along to Win(guard)ium Leviosa
- ‘AAAHHHHHH’ like the bloodcurdling scream of Russell Wilson violently awakening from a dream of Calais Campbell
Can Doug Baldwin hold off Tanner McEvoy any longer?
Two years have elapsed and it would seem that we have reached the inevitable: Tanner McEvoy is on the precipice of overtaking Doug Baldwin as the Seahawks’ number-one offensive threat.
The inexorable nature of this turning point has been public knowledge for the past 810 days. McEvoy, or the “T-Train” as those in scouting circles refer to him, was arguably (definitely) the most skilled prospect the sport has ever seen, and he has only built upon his potential prowess throughout his freshman and sophomore campaigns.
Yes, Doug Baldwin is still an elite wide receiver blah blah blah he is arguably the most nuanced route-runner in the league not named Antonio Brown yada yada yada his hands would make J.P. Prewitt shudder in jealousy. WE GET IT. Doug Baldwin is fuckin good.
But he’s no McEvoy.
Baldwin has only one hope of surviving a skid down the depth chart. After staving off Kasen Williams, who I can only assume is the most accomplished receiver in NFL history based on the way some anoint him on twitter dot com, McEvoy has at least partially turned his attention to the quarterback position, as well. Russell Wilson clearly has no hope of holding off Wisconsin’s finest.
Which position will the T-Train choose? We’ll find out next week.
Will the Seahawks score any points in 2018?
Eh, probably not, but they’ll give it their best schott.
How will Richard Sherman look?
We talked about the Richardsons earlier and now it’s time for Richardshermans.
The biggest question of training camp lies with the greatest cornerback in franchise history. Sherman hadn’t missed a game for Seattle prior to tearing his Achilles tendon in a matchup against the Cardinals in this universe’s most godforsaken edifice. Will he be able to begin another streak in a Seahawks uniform?
The Cards are stacked against him. First and foremost, Sherman is not on the team anymore. This might make it slightly more difficult to reclaim his starting job than it would be had he stayed on the team.
The presence of punting phenom Michael Dickson on the roster complicates things further for our old friend Sherm. As we know, the best defense is a good offense, and punting averages more yards per snap than any variety of offensive play, leading us to the conclusion that premium punting renders defenders obsolete.
While he may not have an inside track back towards a starting role on Seattle’s defense, Richard can rest assured knowing one thing to be undeniably true: CLICK HERE FOR LINK.