With the Seahawks once again taking to the practice field as a unit, you are once more forced to peruse my drivel. Ah, OTA’s. As I’ve often said, nothing gets me more excited than June football.
While the return of swinepidermis has us all electrified to an extent, things aren’t looking so good in terms of roster quality in Seatown.
After purging their roster of players bountiful, the Seahawks are in the midst of restocking their depth chart from the bottom up. With gargantuan names such as Richard Sherman, Michael Bennett, Cliff Avril, Jimmy Graham, and Kasen Williams no longer donning navy on Sundays and some Mondays and maybe even a Thursday here and there, Pete Carroll should be in the market for elite players.
More like Pete Swearoll, tbh.
Fear not, citizens. I am here to quiet the ferocious pitter patter of your slightly elevated heartbeat. I know who the Seattle Seahawks can acquire via trade to advance their team to downright illustrious levels.
Read it again.
“But Mike, that’s stupid. He plays for the Mariners.”
Well yeah. Regardless, I’m going to prove to you why my beloved Guillermo can be the elite player that Seattle deserves.
1. He is excellent at making you think he won’t catch the ball but he actually catches the ball
Despite what you may think, catching the ball is good and still counts even if you look like a decapitated rooster before securing the descending payload. What Heredia lacks in grace, he makes up for in actually catching the ball, which we established is good in the previous sentence.
His effectiveness in this regard is important because…
2. The Seahawks have a deficiency at wide receiver behind Tanner McEvoy
It’s no secret that the VMAC’s receiver room is devoid of talent, save for one man. Tanner McEvoy, also known as the LeBron James of the NFL, is the clear number one wideout, but things get a bit murky behind him.
Bringing Guillermo into the fold adds a speedy presence capable of taking the top off any defense and my breath away.
3. He is excellent at smiling
When considering any potential addition to your football team, the most important question you can ask is this: do they have a nice smile?
Since we are considering Heredia as a potential addition to our football team, the most important question we can ask is this: does he have a nice smile?
The answer is YES OH MY GOD YES.
4. He is excellent at hugs
When Luke Willson scored his first career touchdown against the San Francisco 49ers in 2013, he spiked the ball and, in uproarious fashion, flung his uppermost appendages outwards in a joyous fervor.
From that point on, every instance that Willson’s lobster claws snagged a teeder, he would repeat said celebration. Jermaine Kearse would often be scampering up to his teammate, who had reached paydirt, and follow suit. The two embraced in glorious fashion on a multitude of occasions, just like so:
IT JUST SO HAPPENS THAT GUILLERMO IS EITHER A BIG FAN OF REENACTMENTS OR JUST REALLY GOOD AT HUGGING:
Coincidence? I THINK NOT FOLKS.
5. He’s fun as shit and dammit I would die for him
Guillermo Heredia is a wonderful human being who is a wonderful baseball player who will be a wonderful football player and if you enjoy wonderful people than it would be wonderful for us all to witness him rep a wonderful Seahawks jersey on Sundays. I can guarantee that he would end an NFL season with a higher value of EPA per target than David Moore.
The timing works out perfectly as well. The World Series ends just around the trade deadline, so he can be had at exactly the time his schedule begins to clear up.
While the Seahawks might not have the required assets to acquire a player of Heredia’s caliber, an attempt needs to be made. Running and punting on nearly every possession is a nice sentiment and all, but trading for Guillermo would be a bold strategy, Cotton. Let’s see if it pays off for ‘em.