Dr. Strangeglove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Greatest Tight End in Seattle History

Fade in: War room, CenturyLink Field.

Carroll: Coach McPherson, I find this very difficult to understand. I was under the impression that I was the only one in authority to order the use of Jimmy Graham as a run-blocker.

McPherson: That’s right sir. You are the only person authorized to do so. And although I hate to judge before all the facts are in, it’s beginning to look like Coach Cable exceeded his authority.

Carroll: It certainly does. Far beyond the point I would have imagined possible.

McPherson: Well perhaps you’re forgetting the provisions of Plan Run, sir.

Carroll: Plan Run?

McPherson: Plan Run is an emergency plan in which a lower echelon commander may order ground-based retaliation if the normal chain of command is disrupted. You approved it, sir. You must remember. Surely you must recall, sir, when Coach Bevell made that big hassle about our offense lacking credibility. The idea was for plan Run to be a sort of retaliatory safeguard.

Carroll: A safeguard.

McPherson: I admit the blocking element seems to have failed us here. But the idea was to discourage the Rams from any hope that they could knock out our backs behind the line, and Russell, sir, and escape penetration because of lack of proper offensive command and control.

Carroll: Well I assume then, that Graham will return automatically to lining up outside once he reaches his failsafe point.

McPherson: Well, sir, I’m afraid not. You see, Graham was in-line when the go code was issued. Now, once he flies beyond failsafe he does not require a second order to proceed. He will attempt to block until defenders reach their targets.

Carroll: Then why haven’t you radioed the huddle countermanding the go code?

McPherson: Well, I’m afraid we’re unable to communicate with any of the players.

Carroll: Why?

McPherson: As you may recall, sir, one of the provisions of plan Run provides that once the go code is received the normal radios in the helmets are switched into a special coded device, which I believe is designated as JFG69. Now, in order to prevent the enemy from issuing fake or confusing orders at the line, JFG69 is designed not to receive at all, unless the message is preceded by the correct three letter code group prefix.

Carroll: Then do you mean to tell me, Coach McPherson, that you will be unable to recall this tight end?

McPherson: That’s about the size of it. However, we are plowing through every possible three letter combination of the code. But since there are seventeen thousand permutations it’s going to take us about two and a half days to transmit them all.

Carroll: How soon did you say the linemen will penetrate Graham’s zone?

McPherson: About eighteen seconds from now, sir.

Carroll: Are you in contact with Coach Cable?

McPherson: Ah. No sir, no, Coach Cable sealed off the sideline and cut off all communications.

Carroll: Where did you get all this information?

McPherson: Coach Cable called the coaching box shortly after he issued the go code. I have a partial transcript of that conversation if you’d like me to read it.

Carroll: Read it.

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McPherson: The assistant coach asked Coach Cable to confirm the fact the he had issued the go code and he said, “Yes gentlemen, Jimmy is on his way in and no one can bring him back. For the sake of our offense and our way of life, I suggest you get the rest of the blockers in after him, otherwise we will be totally destroyed by Ram penetration. My boys will give you the best kind of start, fourteen milliseconds worth, and you sure as hell won’t stop Jimmy now. So let’s get going. There’s no other choice. Tanner willing, we will prevail in peace and freedom from fear and in true health through the purity and essence of our natural fluids. Tanner bless you all.” Then he hung up. We’re still trying to figure out the meaning of that last phrase, sir.

Carroll: There’s nothing to figure out Coach McPherson. This man is obviously a psychotic.

McPherson: Well, I’d like to hold off judgment on a thing like that, sir, until all the facts are in.

Carroll: *anger rising* Coach McPherson, when we traded for Jimmy Graham, you assured me there was no possibility of such a thing ever occurring.

McPherson: Well I don’t think it’s quite fair to condemn a whole trade because of a single slip up sir.

Carroll: I want to speak to Coach Cable on the telephone, personally.

McPherson: I’m afraid that’s impossible, sir.

Carroll: Coach McPherson, I am becoming less and less interested in your estimates of what is possible and impossible. Kris.

Richard: Yes, sir.

Carroll: Are there any defenders stationed anywhere near the C-Gap?

Richard: Well ah, I’ll just check, sir.

McPherson’s phone beeps

McPherson: Hello. pause, then whispering I told you never to call me here; don’t you know where I am? pause Well look, Nate, I can’t talk to you now. Your dad needs me. Of course Patty would rather be there watching film with you… Of course it isn’t only favoritism. I deeply respect you as a human being. Someday I’m going to make you the tight ends coach… Listen, you go back to working with Luke. Patty’ll be back there just as soon as he can. Alright. hangs up and composes himself

Screen Shot 2018-05-19 at 11.27.51 PM

Richard: Apparently, Robert Quinn is stationed seven feet outside of the left tackle.

Carroll: Coach Richard, I want you to go to the sideline, locate Coach Cable, and put him in immediate telephone contact with me.

Richard: Yes, sir.

McPherson: Mr. Carroll, if I may advise, under condition red it is standard procedure that his section of the sideline be sealed off, and the area be defended by backup offensive linemen. Any force trying to enter there would certainly encounter very heavy casualties.

Richard: Coach McPherson, with all due respect for the offensive linemen, my boys can brush ’em aside without too much trouble.

McPherson: Mr. Carroll, there are one or two points I’d like to make, if I may.

Carroll: Go ahead, Coach.

McPherson: One, our hopes for recalling Jimmy from attempting to block are quickly being reduced to a very low order of probability. Two, in less than fifteen seconds from now he will be making physical contact with Robert Quinn himself. Three, when he does, Quinn is going to go absolutely wild, and he’s gonna strike back with everything he’s got. Four, if prior to this time, we have done nothing further to suppress Quinn’s retaliatory capabilities with a double-team at minimum, Graham will suffer virtual annihilation. Now, five, if on the other hand, we were to immediately launch an all out and coordinated aerial attack on all their defenders we’d stand a damn good chance of catching ’em with their pants down. Hell, we got a five to one quality of quarterback superiority as it is. Jared Goff is absolute, unadulterated trash, sir. We could easily assign three quarterback rushes to every running back attempt, and still have a very effective reserve force for any other contingency. Now, six, an unofficial study which we undertook of this eventuality, indicated that we would destroy ninety percent of their capabilities with the passing game. We would therefore prevail, and suffer only modest and acceptable tight end and running back casualties from their remaining force which would be badly damaged and uncoordinated.

Carroll: Coach, it is the avowed policy of our franchise never to strike first with the passing game.

McPherson: Well, Mr. Carroll, I would say that Coach Cable has forced our hand.

Carroll: There are still alternatives left open to us.

McPherson: Mr. Carroll, we are rapidly approaching a moment of truth both for ourselves as human beings and for the life of whoever the fuck is playing running back for us at the moment. Now, the truth is not always a pleasant thing, but it is necessary now make a choice, to choose between two admittedly regrettable, but nevertheless, distinguishable post-run environments: one where you got twenty running backs killed, and the other where you got a hundred and fifty running backs killed.

Carroll: You’re talking about mass murder, Coach, not running the ball.

McPherson: Mr. Carroll, I’m not saying we wouldn’t get our hair mussed. But I do say… no more than ten to twenty backs killed, tops. Uh… depending on which round they were drafted in.

Carroll: I will not go down in history as the greatest running back murderer since the 1996 Colts!

McPherson: Perhaps it might be better, Mr. Carroll, if you were more concerned with correctly utilizing the greatest tight end in our franchise’s history, than with your image in the history books.

Carroll: Coach McPherson, I think I’ve heard quite sufficient from you, thank you very much! 

TLDR: it’s not Jimmy Graham’s fucking fault that the Seahawks forced him into a role that required him to run block so don’t let his being set up for failure discount the incredible success he saw through the air.

HE HAD TEN TOUCHDOWNS IN HIS WORST SEASON IN SEATTLE.

That is all. Thank you for reading this content.

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